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Dec. 22nd, 2010


Hopeful - Eames X Arthur

You know the drill: NC-17, Graphic Male X Male Sex, yadda yadda yadda. Don't read if you can't handle it.

And HO YES this is an Inception fic. I ship Eames/Arthur so fucking hard. Comments are loved! =D PLEASE ENJOY!!!!!!

The hotel was exquisite to say the least. As soon as he walked in, Eames noticed the beautiful marbled floor with creams and coffees blending together in elegant swirls accented with gold and the walls covered with a deep chocolate to compliment the floor. The check in desk was gorgeous as well; the top half of the desk made of a rich deep wood while the bottom half was a mosaic that used pieces of the marbled floor, mirrors, onyx stones and pearled pieces. Looking up, the ceiling was high and an immaculate chandelier the center piece of the entire hotel, casting a warm light as the crystal pieces glittered and flickered with every step. In the middle, beneath the chandelier, was the bar. Behind the bartender were shelves made of glass and mirrors, rows and rows of fine liquor lining the shelves as the bar top was illuminated with a pale blue light underneath the glass counter top. Plush couches and armchairs were placed perfectly under smaller chandeliers, giving the whole bar an elegant yet cozy feel. Eames grinned to himself; of course Arthur would love a hotel like this—everything, from the complex yet elegant architecture right down to the finely polished utensils, reflected the very essence of Arthur. It's no wonder he was eager to attend this birthday party or whatever it was they were attending—Eames couldn't remember, he just knew it was work.
"May I be of some help to you, sir?" A bell hop stopped in front of Eames, one hand tucked tightly behind his back as he extended a short bow.
"No, I'm quite alright thank you. Just waiting for a friend." Eames offered him a smile and the bell hop nodded his head before walking away and he couldn't help but be thankful that he had actually heeded Arthur’s suggestion and worn a tuxedo to the event. Despite being uncomfortable, he figured it would be beneficial to blend in this time instead of wearing his more comfortable slacks, broken-in loafers, and button up shirt with the first three buttons undone covered with his favorite beat-up coat. Besides, Arthur liked him like this—freshly showered, dressed to the nines, hair done but slightly messy with a touch of stubble on his face
Eames adjusted his bow tie, about to take a seat at the bar until he saw him—Arthur. Ravishing as always in a perfectly tailored three-piece tuxedo, his bow tie was flawless, his slacks were sharply creased, jacket neatly pressed, black shined shoes reflecting every bit of light that hit them and not a hair out of place. He walked with perfect posture; back straight and chin up as he took long strides. Eames just about lost his breath looking at the vision that had haunted his every thought and dream. It took him a minute for his body to react, legs carrying him in front of Arthur and then refusing to move once he was in his line of vision.
"Good evening, Arthur." Eames voice rumbled, echoing in his head as he looked at the Arthur's face. Arthur stopped abruptly, at first annoyed by the obstacle but quickly amused once he recognized Eames.
"Look at you, Mr. Eames. A true English gentleman tonight?"
"I'm always a gentleman, darling. Just rarely to you since your lovable attitude makes you hardly deserving of it."
"I'm weeping on the inside, really." Arthur muses, stepping around Eames to continue walking his on his path. Eames follows him immediately.
"How long must we be at this event?"
"Long enough now quit complaining. We have a job to do."
"All work and no play, Arthur. You really must learn to relax."
"When I'm not working, I'll relax." Arthur shoots back, turning around to shoot Eames a quick glare.
"At least let me know when you leave; I really wouldn't want to be there longer than I have to."
"Fine." Arthur's scowl quickly turns into a tight smile when the doors to the ballroom open. The ballroom, much like the rest of the hotel, is grand, expensive and extravagant. The marbled floor's color scheme is different; whites, creams and gold mingle with each other in a cracked, foiled pattern. The curtains are gold as well, shining dimly against the brilliant bright lights illuminating from the two huge chandeliers in the room. A small band plays at the front of the room while tables are set with cream and gold table cloths that are just an afterthought compared to the loud, yet completely necessary, red roses and pure white orchids in the middle of each table. Eames nods to himself as if impressed—if he ever wanted to know what the birthday party of one of the wealthiest shipping moguls in the world looked like, this would be it.

The party was in full swing—celebrities, heirs, fellow moguls, close friends, family and even workers were packed in the enormous ballroom. While Eames was naturally charismatic, charming and social, that day he didn't want to be. He had his hopes set on something else—Arthur. He would tell him that night; let him know how he felt. Damn the mission, he didn't care. While it paid decent enough, it was nothing compared to the growing desire and sexual tension that he felt (rather hoped) was building between himself and Arthur. At first he thought he had gone mad. Arthur was everything he wasn't—too clean, too picky, a perfectionist, by-the-book, always tense, pushy, bossy, critical, condescending, and irritating and no one he would consider 'fun'. But Eames couldn't explain it; He couldn't explain the small smile that would creep up on his lips as he would watch Arthur stare at his reflection, nitpicking at the knot in his tie, the fold in his collar a wrinkle in his jacket or slacks. He couldn't explain the stupid giddy feelings he'd get when Arthur shot cruel insults at him, glared at him like he was scum or offended his intellect. Eames was sure he was delusional, but the more he watched and interacted with Arthur, the more he couldn't stop thinking about him. Eames didn't know if Arthur felt the same way about him, but Eames was never the type to back down from a challenge, much less something that he wanted more than anything. He wanted Arthur for himself. He wanted every snide remark, glare and insult to be only for him.

A few hours later, Arthur was ready to leave, nodding at Eames when they made eye contact while Eames was talking to the secretary for the very mogul they were researching on for the job. Eames quickly closed the conversation, not wanting Arthur to get too far away, but luckily, Arthur waited around the door and began walking to the elevators when he saw Eames emerge from the ballroom. Eames only needed to take a few quick strides before he was walking right beside Arthur.
"Ah, thank God, I was about to leave without you."
"Seems like you were having a good time." Arthur replied flatly.
"Assumptions will get you nowhere, darling." Eames reached up to his bow tie, pulling it apart as they neared closer to the elevator. He let the ends of the bow tie hang as he began to unbutton the first few buttons of his shirt.
"Couldn't wait, could you?"
"I've been waiting for about three hours now, any longer and I might suffocate."
"That wouldn't have been so bad."
Eames smiles at the remark. "You would have missed me, I'm sure of it."
"Right." Arthur scoffs as they both step into the elevator and he hits the button for the floor their rooms are on
"What are you doing with the rest of your night?" Eames asks as casually as he can manage as he starts removing the cuff links from his sleeves.
"Just relaxing with a shower and sleep."
"I doubt either one will help you relax."
"Then what would you suggest?" Arthur asks and Eames isn't sure if he was oblivious to the trap, but he looks at Arthur, pushing himself up off the wall of the elevator and about to walk forward to Arthur until a soft 'ding' interrupts his motives. The doors open on the forty-eighth floor. Arthur looks back at Eames for a second before stepping out, Eames hot on his heels. Arthur knows Eames his following him since their rooms are rather close to each other on the floor. However, when Arthur stops in front of his door, he feels himself being spun around and suddenly face to face with Eames. Eames stares at Arthur with intensity and an overwhelming desire. "What are--"
"Let me kiss you, Arthur," Eames whispers, cupping Arthur's face in his palms. "Let me...please...Arthur," His breath is dancing on Arthur's lips while Arthur's thoughts are spinning, the smell of cigarettes and rough cologne filling his senses as his guard, his carefully placed wall, trembles and starts to crumble. He feels himself breaking down as he voluntarily lifts his head up slightly, their lips barely touching but Eames quickly fixes that. He kisses Arthur urgently, afraid that the moment might be snatched away from him by the very man who offered it to him by lifting his head up into the kiss. He presses the point man against the door, his tongue darting out to coax Arthur's mouth open to which Arthur obliges much faster than Eames had anticipated. His tongue explores Arthur's mouth, the warmth and softness weakening Eames with every lick and kiss. Eames is still cupping Arthur's face, his thumbs gliding over his smooth, warm cheeks when he suddenly feels Arthur's hands on his chest, pushing Eames away. Before Eames has a chance to pull Arthur back, he hears a beep and the click of the door opening and Arthur is pulling him inside his dark, moonlit room. When the door closes, Arthur is the one pushing the forger against the door now, his hands blindly undoing the buttons on his shirt as he then slides the shirt and jacket off Eames' shoulders in one swift movement. Though it's dark, Arthur can see the crude letters and designs tattooed on him. Arthur hates tattoos; he’s always hated them but on Eames, he doesn't care. He doesn't care about the ink, the scars or his imperfections--in fact he loves it and he needs it. He needs someone to dirty his perfect life, to rip the pages from the books he abides by, to paint on his perfect black and white view of the world.
Arthur is brought back to his senses when he feels Eames' lips on his neck; kissing and biting him with such a messy desire that it leaves Arthur breathless. Arthur leans back against Eames' hands that are holding him from his lower back while he drags his fingernails up Eames' bare back with one hand and pulls his head in closer with the other.
"Mmhh, darling," Eames words are muffled moans against Arthur's neck, the heat sending a sharp shiver down his spine as Eames begins to undo Arthur's bow tie carefully. He makes sure to toss the bow tie, jacket and shirt on the armchair and while he undresses Arthur, he leaves kisses down his chest, stopping momentarily to bite and suck on one of Arthur's nipples before undoing his well tailored slacks and letting them drop to the floor in a heap around Arthur's ankles. He helps him step out of the heap, tossing the slacks gently onto the coffee table and starts kissing his inner thighs gently while he helps remove Arthur's shoes and socks, leaving him completely naked and bathed in the dim blue light. "You're beautiful, Arthur." Eames speaks quietly, his rough, calloused hands roaming over Arthur's stomach, thighs and hips. Arthur moans in approval, words unable to form in his mind or his mouth for the first time in a long time. Eames carefully turns Arthur around, Arthur's palms lying flat on the door as he feels Eames' hands squeezing and pulling at his butt cheeks, and then moist kisses and licks quickly follow.
Arthur's emotional defense is shattered by now as he feels Eames' tongue lick the taut opening of his ass, nails digging into his cheeks as Eames tongue now presses against his opening harder, the tip of his tongue barely entering him.
"Eames," Arthur moans his name for the first time, giving Eames an new found energy and motivation to please the man he'd fantasized about on a daily basis since he'd met him. He feels Arthur moving his hips back against his mouth and Eames licks more and pushes his tongue harder and squeezes his cheeks roughly and each time Arthur moans louder. Eames moans against Arthur's ass, feeling his erection pressing painfully against his slacks. He lets go of Arthur's ass, his tongue still working the his tight hole as he swiftly undoes his pants and pulls them down, releasing his throbbing dick from the confines of his clothes. Arthur looks back when he feels Eames' hands leave him and watches Eames release himself. He turns around suddenly, bringing Eames up to his feet as he kneels down in front of him, not giving Eames the time to think a coherent thought, much less speak one, as Arthur takes his dick into his mouth, licking the shaft with his tongue and sucking deeply as he pulls Eames' dick in and out of his mouth. Eames feels his breath catch in his throat, his eyes rolling up into his head as his arm shoots out and he presses his hand against the door to stabilize himself.
"Arthur..." Eames sobs, his free hand grabbing a fistful of Arthur's hair, ruining his perfect slicked back hair but he could care less at that moment. All he can comprehend is that Arthur is giving him the most delicious head he's ever received in his life and he never wants it to end. Arthur takes Eames to the base, his fingers lightly gliding across his sac and massaging them gently, causing Eames to groan louder, biting down on the corner of his lip as he throws his head back, letting the waves of immense pleasure shake his body. He lets Arthur's mouth and smooth hands pleasure him for a bit longer before pulling him up to his feet as he leans forward, ravaging his lips once again. "I've wanted you for so long." Eames rasps, nipping at Arthur's jaw and chin. He feels Arthur's dick jump against his and he could swear he feels it throbbing between their bodies.
"I hate you for not doing anything sooner." He could feel Arthur's grin seeping through his words as he grinds himself against Eames, feeling his pre-cum tainting their bodies.
"You were more than able to do something yourself, love." Eames moans and grinds back in return; the feel of Arthur's dick sliding against his own making him harder, if that was even possible.
"Were you in agony?" Arthur asks breathlessly.
"Terrible, bloody agony."
"Then it was worth the wait." Arthur grins and Eames grabs a handful of hair at the back of Arthur's head and pulls his head in, crushing their lips together again as their kiss becomes a mess of emotions, desires and frustrations. Eames humors the kiss for a moment before breaking it and spinning Arthur back around, bending him over and making Arthur balance himself by placing his palms on the door again. Eames sticks his middle finger in his mouth getting it as wet as he can before he shoves the tip of it inside Arthur. Arthur moans loudly, his mouth completely open as he snaps his head back feeling a delicious blend of painful pleasure. Eames hardly gives time for Arthur to adjust to the digit, sliding it in to the base and out to the tip repeatedly, faster and faster until he finally adds one more finger. "Fuck...Eames..." Arthur whimpers, clawing at the door for something to grip onto before he starts digging his nails into the palm of his own hand.
"Don't worry, darling, it will be worth the wait." Eames smiles and leans over to kiss Arthur's shoulder.
"Asshole." Arthur bites out and is irritated for a millisecond until Eames slams his fingers inside Arthur again, making him forget completely that he was even irritated. Eames is watching Arthur's faces-exquisite faces-twist in pain, pleasure, desire and bliss. He can't prep him anymore; any longer, Eames fears, and he might cum right there. He positions himself in back of Arthur, sliding himself inside of him swiftly and he's instantly dizzy-Arthur tightens around him and he hears Arthur scream his name as throaty moans quickly follow. "Oh my God, Eames...Yes...Fuck me..."
Happy to oblige, Eames' starts of with a few weak thrusts, but Arthur's cries of pleasure encourage Eames to speed up, his thrusting becoming faster and harder and he's so close, feeling the point man's cheeks slap against his thighs and the sound it makes is music to his ears. As he creeps closer to his orgasm he pulls out of Arthur, much to the point man’s disappointment.
"Bed." Eames growls and he kisses Arthur to distract him, pushing him back towards the bed and breaking the kiss when the back of Arthur's legs hits the edge of the bed. Arthur is about to turn around when Eames stops him. "No, I want to watch you cum. I want you to look at me as I orgasm inside you. I want to see what you look like screaming my name, darling."
Arthur quickly scrambles onto the bed and Eames can't follow fast enough. Lifting Arthur's legs up, he pushes himself inside Arthur again, pleasure spreading across Arthur's face and Eames realizes that he's never seen Arthur's face so relaxed before in his life. As he starts to thrust into Arthur again, he watches Arthur's face twist into pleasure, his eyes half lidded and locking eyes with Eames'. Eames quickly brings his hand up and wraps his fingers around Arthur's dick, pumping him fast to match the rhythm he's built thrusting inside of Arthur. Their eyes are locked together the entire time, Arthur moaning Eames' name and Eames moaning Arthur's - It's erotic and Eames can barely stand it. If he wasn't flirting with the edge of his orgasm before, he definitely was now and he's about to cum until Arthur beats him to it.
"Eames!" Arthur screams, his cum shooting out of the tip of his dick, leaving translucent trails on his chest and stomach and as he reaches the end of his orgasm, he his cum slides down the tip of his dick and onto Eames' hand.
"Fuck...Arthur...!" Eames' moan barely comes out, Arthur closing around his thick cock so tightly that Eames is seeing stars and there's a ringing in his ears, which really turns out to be Arthur's scream echoing in his mind. He gives himself a moment before reluctantly pulling out of Arthur and lying down next to him on the bed. They're both staring up at the ceiling, heavy breathing the only thing filling the room and Eames reaches over, sliding his fingers between Arthur's and holds his hand tightly. They're quiet for a while, the afterglow of sex still lingering inside of them and it's Eames who speaks first.
"Can I have you, Arthur?" He knows it's a roundabout way of saying how he really feels, but he's not sure how Arthur feels about all this, especially if Eames were to open up to him too soon, emotionally. Sure, Arthur gave in, but he was still cautious. After all, this would be the first time Arthur has ever given into him at all. He watches Arthur smile slightly as he turns his head to look at Eames.
"You can."
Eames smiles as his eyes start growing heavy...the last thing he sees is Arthur smiling at him.


Eames' eyes open, the cool, dim lights of the warehouse are uninviting and emotionless. He's still groggy as he looks around and sees Cobb in front of him, reading a book. Noticing Eames' movement, Cobb looks up from the book and places the bookmark between the pages and closes the book.
"You okay?" He asks, standing up and removing IV from Eames' wrist.
"Oh, you know…never better." Eames gives him a sarcastic smile, swinging his legs over so his feet are planted on the floor as he cradles his head in his hands. Cobb watches him as he packs up the PASIV.
"It's hard to let go." Cobb says, looking over at Eames who just chuckles to himself.
"There's one critical difference between your situation and mine, Cobb."
"What's that?"
Eames is about to open his mouth until he sees Arthur in the distance, but perfectly positioned in the doorway. He doesn't know what Arthur is doing, but he's looking down. He's still as beautiful as he was the day he saw him, and the day after that, and after that up until now. He watches him, remembering his dream—his memories—of Arthur and him. He swallows the thick lump in his throat and breaths in a shaky breath.
"She died loving you. Arthur lives hating me."
Cobb looks down, unable to say anything to soothe the harsh reality of that fact. Eames stares at Arthur as he feels his heart collapsing and his guilt of abusing Arthur's trust drowning what's left of it. The drunken memories of women he'd slept with in Mombasa to replace Arthur tore at his conscious. He'd ran from Arthur when he felt himself falling for him much deeper and faster than he ever thought possible. He’d never loved anyone the way he loved Arthur and it shook him that someone like Arthur held his heart.
When he left, he didn't tell him and didn’t send a word to Arthur—not a letter, a phone call or even a post card. He only told Cobb, telling him that he was going into hiding to dodge some loan sharks he’d done business with, but it was clearly a lie. To make matters worse, Arthur knew where be was. Being one of the best point men to live, Eames would have been surprised if Arthur didn't know.
Three years later, Eames returned to work with Cobb on the Saito job, and there he saw Arthur again for the first time since he'd left. Arthur treated him as if nothing had happened. As if they were never intimate. As if they were mere strangers.
Eames' heart skipped a beat when Arthur finally turns around. Eames looks at Arthur hopefully but Arthur’s stare seems to burn right through him before he turns and walks away quickly. Eames looks away, pressing his fingers into his eyes to stop the tears threatening to creep out.
"Very well then," Eames pats Cobb on the back. "I'll, ah, see you tomorrow."
Cobb turns, but Eames is already to the door. Eames grabs the handle and to the door and takes the elevator down. As he opens the door, he sees Arthur standing outside, his hands buried in the pockets of his pinstriped slacks and his back is facing the door. Eames shuts the door behind him quietly, afraid to break the moment that is so fragile and so surreal he doesn’t really know if it’s happening. He digs into his coat pocket, clutching the red poker chip so desperately that he barely hears Arthur’s question:
"How long have you been doing this?"
Eames swallows hard, "Doing what?"
"Re-living our memories in your dreams."
"Since the day I knew I lost you." Eames answers and it was true—it was how he met Yusuf.
Arthur turns around and their eyes meet. For Eames, time stands still as he sees the memories he’s been re-living in his dream flicker in front of him. It had been years since he’d looked into Arthur’s eyes directly, always looking to the side or behind him, always feeling as if he didn’t deserve to look into his eyes after what he had done. Arthur’s stare and face remain still, cold and emotionless. Eames is about to leave when Arthur talks again. "Let's take a walk."
Without another word, but foolishly hopeful, Eames stands beside Arthur before they walk away from the warehouse together.

Sep. 26th, 2010


Pairing Meme!

Stolen fromheyy13 <3 <3

And half-way through this... I realized it was mainly for anime/tv shows/movies....soooo...I failed and mixed in video games, jrock and kpop.... because apparently i can do that. XD

Six ships you're into right now
1. YunJae (Yunho x Jaejoong...always)
2. Jonghyun x Taemin
3. HoRella (Yunho x Heechul)
4. SiChul (Siwon x Heechul)
5. Jin x Hwoarang
6. Light x L

Three ships you liked, but don't like anymore
7. Vincent x Cloud
8. Heero x Duo
9. Teru x Hisashi

Three ships you never liked
10. Wufei x ANYONE
11. Irvine x ANYONE (FF8)
12. Yoochun x Jaejoong (JaeChun)

Two ships you're curious about, but don't actually ship
13. Albert Wesker x Chris Redfield
14. Ajoo x ANYONE (almost anyone...)
15. YunChun (Yunho x Yoochun)

Why do you dislike #11 so much?
Because Irvine is a little biatch. He missed the shot with Edea after slinging his dick around like he was hot ass shit. As punishment, he gets none of that fine Squall, Seifer or Zell ass.

Who is someone you know that ships #14?
Probably just me... ;___;

What would be your ideal scenario for couple #3?
Ooo damn... Umm... a blindfold, candles and a riding crop. XD

Which is your favorite moment for couple #1?
OH WOW... so many to choose from.. Mnet KM Music Festival Award Show, AADBSK2, Forbidden Love, When Yunho called Jaejoong his Wife...Dude seriously... There's TONS of moments. I cannot pick just one fave.

How long have you been following couple #6?
LOL Since I read the manga. The deal was sealed the moment they were handcuffed together. XD

What's the story with #8? What made you stop liking them/caring?
Eh, I just outgrew them. I don't mind them, but they're not the first thing I think about. But of course, I'll never forget my 'gateway pairing'.

You have the power to make one ship non existent. Choose from #10 or #12
Damn. That's hard. As much as I hate Wufei...I'm gonna pick JaeChun. Because JAECHUN IS NOT REAL.

Which ship do you prefer #2 or #4?
That question is seriously unfair. Um. *cursing* Immmm....gonna go with Siwon and Heechul... Because the thought of that bible thumper banging the shit out of an atheist makes me all...deliciously happy.

What interests you about #14?
Have you seen Ajoo? Have you seen how badly that boy needs a dick? Seriously. Someone please give that man a dick.

Why did you stop liking #7?
Because Cloud X Sephiroth is way better. XD

Did your waning interest in #9 kill your interest in the show/group/band?
Nah. I just also out grew them. Plus, they got old... And not all men age like Robert Downey Jr. AKA "THE UNF"

What’s a song that reminds you of #5?
Tekken 3 - Jin's Stage Music. XD I'm so serious. *Geek-out*

If you could have any of these two pairings double-date, who would it be?
Jonghyun x Taemin and Siwon x Heechul... Damn.. that would be some hot ass date.

Have #2 kissed yet?
God, I hope so...

Did #4 have a happy ending? If the show hasn't ended yet, do you think a happy ending is likely?
...God, I hope so... I'm sure Siwon hopes there's a happy ending as well...

What would make you start shipping #13?
Some good smut and/or fanart. I'm not big on the 3D recreations though.

If only one could happen, which would you prefer, #2 or #6?

You have the power to decide the fate of #10. What happens to them?

Which do you dislike the most?
JaeChun. That pairing has always bothered me. It's like blasphemous.

Which of these ships do you love the most?

Aug. 28th, 2010


One-Shot: Pray - Siwon x Heechul

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

May. 20th, 2010


Random Post...

So, I should be working on Part 11, but I'm sort of battling with myself on how to go on. I've written three drafts and although it's what I WANT to write about, it's HOW I'm writing it that's bugging me. Also there's some...er...added "elements" this next part that I've wanted to write about since the VERY BEGINNING of this story, and I'm just wondering if they really have a place in the story now. I just don't want it to seem random. Arrghh... So I'm just going to step away for a little bit and clear my thoughts and maybe it will come to me.

Anyway, so I got ANOTHER job. LOL Yeah, my current job doing Quality Control isn't working out so well. It's boring, the pay rate is BAD, the atmosphere is horrible and unprofessional and I just overall hate it. Fortunately, one of my old jobs doing cellphone game testing called me up and offered me my job back! I jumped on that since the pay would be WAY more and the hours won't be so RIDICULOUS! 10-7 is TOOOOTALLY up my alley!!! XD No more getting up at 4.30 for me!! XD SO yeah, super excited about that. It's also going to be easier for me to save for the Vegas and New Jersey trips! July is going to be busy busy for me!

Oh yeah, so how many of you read about JaeChunSu's "Group Name" news and all that? The J.Y.J. thing. I'm sorry, but it depresses me. It really does. I just keep getting down the more I hear about them as THREE. I find myself scrolling through twitter so that I don't see any of the news about their "Trio Project", but I suppose today I couldn't resist. I had to know. It's gotten to the point now where If I listen to their music, I just start to get kinda sad. I still get happy, but the feeling in my heart is a bit much to ignore. I just think of them being together, smiling. It also didn't help that I was watching 'Bonjour, Paris!' videos on YouTube the other day... Ugh. It's a tough time to be a TVXQ fan, guys. It really is. It's like a test of strength for us... to see who are the ones that are going to be there for the til the bitter end. I'll always be there for them no matter what, but that doesn't mean I'm going to always be doing it with a smile, but I'll always be fighting with love.

Meh...also lately, I've been listening to a lot of Kpop on my internet radio app I downloaded for my iPhone! IT'S SO AWESOME!!!! Some song's I am SERIOUSLY ENJOYING right now is SuJu's "Bonamana" (they have somehow figured out a way to inject crack into a song), SHINee's "Juliette" (I know I'm hella late to the party on that one!) , SS501 "U R Man" (Again... late to the party...) and Rain "Sad Tango" (late again!), Ajoo's "재벌2세" (Wealthy 2 Generation)...BTW...AJOO IS FUCKING HOT...HOOO MAN.....*fans*

ALSO.... for a while, I just COULD NOT stop listening to SuJu's "Monster" on their third album. God.. That song is so intoxicating...

And speaking of Intoxicating... I'm pretty anxious to hear Junsu's new album!! According to all the interviews, his ballads are going to be off the chain. I was always a sucker for "Rainy Night". UGHHHH....I cried listening to that song for the first time. So good. Junsu's voice is just epic.

Anywhoooo... I'm probably going to take a shower and get to bed now. I'd like to say one thing though and that's if anyone is down to talk about controversial TVXQ topcs (like regarding the lawsuit), I'm so down. I won't judge or curse you for being "pessimistic" over the situation. I'm really just down to get people's opinions on the whole thing. I've realized that during this lawsuit, it's okay to feel a bit selfish. TVXQ is doing it, so why can't we? It's not a bad thing...it's a natural thing. So if you feel like venting on my page or something, feel free! I'm always up for it!! And for people out there who have chat clients, I've got a Yahoo! IM account (achooseylover), but I'm noticing a trend of MSN messenger lately... Hmm. So anyway yeah. And If I don't reply right away to the IM's, fret not...I'm prolly in hell i.e. work. >__<



May. 14th, 2010


...Love... - Part 10


-About Three Months Later-

-Mirotic Concert in Seoul-

-6:12 PM-


            My eyes were glued to the moving picture in front of me while I crossed my legs, rested my elbow on my thigh and cradled my chin in my palm. I heard everyone congratulate Junsu, who was sweaty, smiling and giving high fives to his backup dancers before running off to the dressing room to prepare for our ‘Mirotic’ routine. I didn’t look away, deciding to congratulate him later on a great performance of ‘XIAHTIC’ while I continued watching the man I had grown to fall so deeply for on the small screen in front of me. His fluid movements were hypnotizing once again and watching him sing solo was always such a treat for me. Yunho, whenever he sang this song, was always so full of confidence and eagerness to please the crowd that was so used to seeing the five of us together on stage...

            ‘The five of us...’ My mind echoed, throat tightened and stomach turned slightly. I decided not to think about it—not now at least, because Yunho would know if something was on my mind. He was getting so much better at reading my mannerisms, facial expressions and movements that it was downright scary. I quickly erased the thought from my mind and replaced it with the one that was previously occupying it. Yunho looked so good in that suit, despite the crazy color choice. Or maybe it was the shoes. But either way, it wasn’t enough to distract me from the next part of the performance—the girls. I watched the woman in red, I think her name was Choi Hye-su, slink closer to Yunho, the jacket and the skirt were unbelievably short as she leaned over, seducing Yunho as part of the routine. When he put his hands on her body, I tensed, only a little bit, watching his hand slide down her thigh.

            Now, before you think I’m this crazy psycho jealous boyfriend, I’m not. I was envious, sure, but definitely not of the women; I was jealous of what they could do. They could touch Yunho, slide their bodies against him, hold his hand, hug him and kiss him without anyone giving it a second thought. They could be together if they really wanted to, living their lives under the microscope of the media, but they would still have each other and everyone would know it; their friends, family—the world. I couldn’t do that for Yunho, or myself. Despite Yoochun, Changmin and Junsu now knowing our secret, they were just a fraction of the amount of people we wanted to tell, despite them being three of the most important people. It was something that always got me a bit down when I thought about it, but to counter it, I would just think of how amazing the past months have been with Yunho by my side. I never could have imagined myself being happier than the day Dong Bang Shin Ki debuted, but I was. Adding on to my happiness, and I’m sure Yunho’s, was the fact that the members seemed to be coming around more.

            While Yoochun was just supportive from the day he found out, it took Junsu and Changmin a bit more time to get used to the small notes of affection we would pass each other when we were in the confines of our shared apartment. Junsu would always look worried for us, probably thinking about his religion and the consequences God had in store for us for being homosexual—which I personally thought was silly. And as for Changmin, it took him a good month for him to finally start acting like himself again. At first he tiptoed around us, not wanting to offend us with any of his jokes or with his reactions to our own verbal and physical displays of affection which caused him to be more quiet, reserved and a little moody. I didn’t want him to stop acting like himself on account of us, so one day, I started joking around with him about everything and anything, including homosexuality. When he saw that neither Yunho nor myself were offended, he started opening up, little by little until he eventually returned to the same, snarky, bratty, yet mature, child we all grew to love. Although he still didn’t approve of our relationship, we all did our best to maintain the strong, brotherly bonds we formed over the years of growing up together.

            “Want me to take care of her, hyung?” Speak of the devil. “I wouldn’t mind, you know.”

            I snorted, looking up at our maknae, “Yeah, sure, if you can pry her away from this lecherous man right here.” I pointed my thumb to Yoochun, who was sitting next to me practically raping Hye-su with his eyes.  Yoochun just grinned and nodded.

            “She’s a hottie, man. Too bad she’s all up on Leader-ssi’s dick like a popsicle in the middle of summer.” Yoochun leaned back and sighed. My eyes returned to the screen to watch Yunho’s performance again. I hated feeling the sharp jabs in my heart every time Hye-su slid her body against Yunho’s chest and crotch. And I hated being jealous of the small looks of pleasure he’d give in response, even though I knew they were fabricated. I sighed and Changmin just clicked his tongue.

“Wrong tree, sister.” Changmin mumbled in Japanese, hoping the staff around us wouldn’t understand as he laughed. “And Yoochun, get out of here. You have enough numbers. Save some for the rest of us.”

            “Not my fault your game is lacking. Try learning English. They love that.” Yoochun’s grin widened when he flashed Changmin a thumbs-up. Changmin just shook his head and rolled his eyes.

            “Whatever. Your English is so broken now, I’m surprised you still get chicks with it.”

            I couldn’t take it anymore—I roared with laughter at this comment, catching Yoochun off guard and making Changmin grin before joining me in the laughter. Yoochun, as much as he wanted to stifle a laugh, ended up letting it out anyway because he knew it was true. It was around this time Junsu came out of the dressing room clad in an almost completely unbuttoned deep purple shirt with black slacks and a jacket, ready for the ‘Mirotic’ performance.

            “Junsu-ah, great job with that performance!” I stood up and gave him a hug. He smiled wide and bowed slightly.

            “Ah, thank you! I was afraid you weren’t going to say anything about it at all! I saw how distracted you were with Yunho-ssi’s performance.” Junsu wiggled his eyebrows as he spoke quietly and just as he did, I heard the sound of ‘Spellbound of TVXQ’ play loudly while the opening movie showed on the small screen in front of us. I had missed Yunho and Hye-su’s mock kiss. I realized I was thankful I did, saving myself another jab at my heart.

            “Hurry hurry, Yunho-ssi!” Our wardrobe designer ushered Yunho into the dressing room quickly. He was already unbuttoning his suit jacket as his eyes flickered up and down my body, letting his eyes linger up my chest and to my lips. He bit his lower lip and then let his tongue flick across his lips. Fuck! He really needed to stop doing that! He flashed me a grin and a wink, knowing full well what he was doing to me as he passed by me. I could feel blood rushing up to my cheeks before I turned away to hide the smile that was forming on my face. I then looked up, clapping for the backup dancers as they entered the room. I noticed Hye-su smiling happily and turning to giggle and laugh with one of the other girls happily, but I knew she was just leading herself on with thoughts of her and Yunho running off together in the sunset.

            Wrong tree, sister.’ I repeated Changmin’s words in my mind and grinned to myself, feeling just a little better about the situation.


            Mirotic, as always, was a distraction because Yunho’s body was just so fuckin’ sexy in that damn jacket that had only one button fastened to show off his toned stomach and chest. It was struggle to perform without letting my dick get the best of me. And the last thing I needed were pictures of my growing crotch spread throughout the Internet. After that song though, I had gotten throughout the rest of the show smoothly, The concert started nearing to a close as we all changed from our ‘Mirotic’ costumes to our finale clothes. After we changed quickly, we all positioned ourselves on bench that would elevate us to the stage.  As soon as it did, the “Ha Ha Ha Song” began to play and we all almost immediately spread out throughout the stage to interact and be silly with our fans.

            I ran around the stage, sliding my hand through the crowd of hands and waving to the ones who weren’t so near by. As I turned around I saw a sign waving frantically and the words piqued my interest. I walked over to the girl holding the sign and knelt down.

            “Hold it still so I can see!” I said. She looked dumbstruck as she immediately stopped waving on it and a smile spread so wide across my face.

            It said “YunJae”—the pairing name our fans gave us.

            “Do you want to be Yunho-ssi’s boyfriend, oppa?” One of the girls screamed. I looked at her and then back at the sign. My heart swelled happily as I then looked at the hopeful gazes in their eyes. I knew Yunho and I had supporters, despite them thinking that it was probably nothing more than a fantasy for them. I wanted to believe they would be the ones to support us if the truth about our relationship ever got out. I wanted to be honest would them but would they believe me? Would they think I was just playing around? I didn’t know, but as I looked at Yunho’s and my name entwined together, I thought...fuck it...

            “I already am, though!” I screamed, loud enough for them to hear as I rose up and looked out at the crowd beyond them to wave. I heard their squeals, sharp and piercing while I walked away. What a feeling that was—to confess what I felt and to be accepted so quickly! I wanted to scream it louder but instead I ran across the stage with a newfound energy. I ran and sang until I saw Yunho running towards me. I let my hand stick out, sliding my fingers across his chest, unintentionally running a fingertip across his nipple and eventually brushing his palm and fingers. He looked up at me wide-eyed and I just grinned, sending the witnesses in the crowd roaring in approval. 

            We played out the rest of the concert smoothly, congratulating and thanking everyone that had a hand in the success of the performance for his or her hard work and dedication once we were backstage. I was patting my face and chest down with a towel when I felt someone close to me, leaning against the lockers to look at me softly.

            “Hey you,” I smiled, rubbing the towel over my damp hair and fluffing my t-shirt, getting some cool air circulating underneath the thin fabric. Yunho smiled and let his head settle on the lockers.

            “You never said anything about the Checkmate performance.”

            “Ah, I’m sorry. It was a really good performance. I saw an improvement from yesterday. You were feeling it a bit more today, weren’t you?”

            “Yeah. It’s a different feeling being out there alone. It’s a bit lonely without you guys there, but at the same time, I feel really alive despite the pressure to do well since I’m the only one up there.” He smiled wildly and leaned closer. “Hey, random question, but you don’t mind Hye-su, do you?”

            “What makes you ask?” I smiled, hoping he didn’t notice the small twitch by my temple.

            “I don’t know. She says you give her this death glare every time you see her, but I think she’s just overacting. I can’t imagine you being jealous.”

            “What if I was?” Ah dammit that slipped out! I cursed at myself while maintaining my calm composure and my smile. I really didn’t plan on telling Yunho how I felt about the situation, but judging by the way he pushed himself off the lockers and leaned in closer, I doubt he was just going to let me go without something of an explanation. And yes, I could always lie and say I was kidding, but remember me telling you that he was getting so good at reading me like a damn book?

            Yeah. He would have known.

            “Why would you be jealous, Jae? It’s ridiculous!” He laughed and threw his hands up slightly with a face that read, ‘Uh, I’m gay, remember?’

            “Ah, it’s not that I’m jealous of her specifically,” I trailed off, noticing there were still a few dancers and crew members running back and forth through the locker room. I nudged my head forward, signaling him to the empty dressing room. “We should change anyway.” I grabbed my duffle bag out of the locker and closed it shut, watching Yunho pick his own bag up off the floor. We walked into the dressing room and shut the door behind us. He set his bag down and leaned against the door, waiting for me to continue what I was saying prior to entering the room. “Anyway, it’s not that I’m jealous of her or anything, it’s just that I’d like to be able to show, uh,” Did I mention I was really bad with expressing my feelings in dialogue?

It was especially bad in this current relationship because since the beginning, we were constantly struggling to find our ‘roles’. Of course, Yunho treated me like a damn woman and I hated it! In the beginning he’d talk to me overly sweet, we’d have sex and he’d sometimes be a bit too gentle and when my feelings were hurt or if I was worried about something, he’d baby talk me! It was driving me nuts! It wasn’t until I sat down and talked to him about it that he finally stopped being so gentle. I didn’t want him to turn into an asshole or anything—I just wanted him to treat me like a man. I was thankful that Yunho was the type to learn quickly because soon enough, the baby talk stopped, sex wasn’t so delicate and we talked like normal men. I wasn’t perfect either, though. Although I’m really good at expressing feelings for my friends and family, I usually failed miserably at expressing feelings for someone I was dating. Yunho had talked to me about this as well, telling me at times it just seemed I wasn’t even into him anymore when in actuality, I couldn’t have been more happy being in a relationship with him. I felt bad to find that while Yunho easily fixed his flaws, I still had trouble fixing my own.

But at that moment, Yunho, being the patient, caring Leader he is, just stood there leaning against the door, waiting for me to find the right words.  “I’d like to, you know, be able to...show affection...like that...physically. Publicly. I guess it still sort of...bothers me that I can’t, you know, kiss you or be really close to you in public...I guess. And just watching that performance...it just, uh, put it in reality, I guess you can say? And I just love you so much that it’s—“

“Wait, I’m sorry, what did you say?” Yunho leaned in, the corners of his lips trembling but they were unsuccessful at holding back the grin that was spreading across his face. I can’t believe this guy! He was making fun at my lack of communication skills! The jerk.

Aiish, are you really going to make me repeat all that? Come on, weren’t you listening?” I groaned.

“You said you loved me.” Yunho smiled. His eyes were sparkling and I swear I thought I saw him floating for just a second.

“I...I did?” Oh fuck, I did? And then it dawned on me as I quickly tried to recap what I said—Oh my God, I did.

“You did.”

“Oh. I guess I...did...then...”

“Did you mean it?” He held his breath visibly while I just stood there, still in disbelief that I actually said it. This doesn’t really seem like a big deal to you, but to the both of us, it was. In all my relationships, I had never said those words to any of my girlfriends, despite the fact that I had actually been in love once or twice before Yunho. I just couldn’t say it. I don’t know why. It just stemmed back to the whole shitty with communication thing. I suppose that’s also the reason why my relationships never really lasted long. Yunho knew all this too since I’d stay up with him many nights, both of us just trainees, telling him about my girlfriend woes. I looked at Yunho, dead in the eyes and I knew, I knew, that this was it. This love transcended all the other loves I had before. Maybe I had thought I knew love before, but now, I knew for sure that this was it. So I stood up straight, prepared to answer him.

“No. I didn’t.” I replied. Yunho stayed still and just stared at me for a couple of seconds. He then let his breath out and was suddenly in front of me in two large strides. He didn’t say a word as he grabbed my waist roughly, slid his free hand behind my head and crushed his lips against mine. He stole my breath, causing me to go almost limp in his arms. I brought my hands up to the back of his head, pulling his head closer and tugging on his hair to try to make the kiss even deeper than it already was.


Do you remember how I told you he was getting so good at reading me like a book?


He had read me, and I knew he knew the truth.... but I told him anyway.


“I love you, Yunho.”’



-11:11 PM-


            Believe it or not, Yunho and I actually somehow, by the power of the planets being aligned combined with the holy power of Jesus, Buddha and every other deity known and unknown to man, changed our clothes and exited the dressing room without sucking off, jacking off or fucking each other senseless. It was really one of the most difficult things I’ve had to endure, especially since the both of us were semi-hard after that amazing kiss.  We decided, or rather I decided, to call in a favor from Yoochun to go sleep in Yunho’s bed that night. Yoochun, who was now practicing the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ logic simply agreed without asking for any kind of explanation as to why. He had learned his lesson after I had gotten drunk one night and he started asking me a few personal questions about Yunho and my sex life. I was never one to kiss-and-tell, unless it was to Yunho, and I trusted Yoochun with my life, so I told him all he wanted to know in great detail. I suppose there is such a thing as too much information because after that night, it took Yoochun a good couple of weeks for him to be able to look me, and Yunho, in the eyes again, but Yunho never did figure out what happened. Which worked out in the long run, I’m sure.

            After we had changed, we headed back to our apartment. Of course, everyone was starving and knowing this was going to happen; I had prepared some short ribs and marinated meat to make bulgogi. It wasn’t the fanciest thing to eat, but it was quick and easy to make. After we all showered and changed, everyone gathered in the kitchen and we immediately became a family. Changmin started setting the table since he really wasn’t allowed to help prep the food. Changmin, as I’m sure you’re aware of by now, will eat anything and everything at any time and any place. That also includes food that’s supposed to be for everyone. I began cooking the beef and short ribs while Yoochun began to portion out some rice in small silver bowls for everyone. Yunho and Junsu were setting small portions of kimchi, sprouts and other miscellaneous sides into small plastic bowls.

            “So, did Jaejoong-ah tell you about his raging jealousy over Hye-su?” Changmin piped from the table while looking longingly at the food being prepared. The little brat was just mad that I banned him from preparing food.

            “I was not jealous!” Was lost in the chorus of laughter, “Ooo, hyung!”, “Get that bitch!” (Changmin didn’t mean that.) and “That’s so cute!”

            I pressed my lips together, feeling the four members in the kitchen nudge and push me. “You guys are dicks. I wasn’t jealous.”

            “You were jealous! You looked like you wanted to toss the monitor across the room when ‘Checkmate’ was on!” Junsu chimed in since his infectious laugh was preventing everyone else from speaking.

            “I was not! Oh my God, I swear, you guys are going to starve tonight.” I growled. I knew they were kidding, but dammit I wasn’t jealous! Not for the reason they were thinking at least! Yunho laughed loudly and set some bowls on the counter, careful to keep them visible so that Changmin wouldn’t sneak any food while we weren’t looking.

            “Now guys, look how angry Joongie looks,” He pointed to me while my eyebrows were bunched together and I was frowning. I shared a slight smile with him when I started hearing Changmin and Yoochun gag over the pet name while Junsu just laughed loudly at it. Yunho and I didn’t really have pet names for each other; calling each other by name, Jae or Yun was just fine with us, But our way of joking around about our relationship with the other guys was to give each other disgustingly cute pet names; names like Joongie, Yunnie, BooJae and YunBaby. The reactions were just too hilarious to not do it. “Let’s make it up to him with a little serenade.”

            “Ah, shit,” I groaned. This already didn’t sound good. And I was right because as soon as the opening notes to “Hey!Girl” came on, the rest of the members instantly knew why Yunho had picked that particular song.  “Oh come on! I’m not a fucking girl!” It didn’t’ matter though, because within seconds, all four of them were crowded around me, emphasizing the word ‘Girl’ whenever it was said. As frustrated as I was, I was too happy to do anything about it. I just started laughing, calling them all idiots and cheesy bastards while I started cooking the last of the meat. With the way they were all joking around right now, it was hard to believe that only three months ago, the tension between us all was so thick you needed a chainsaw to cut through it. I was happy that Changmin and Junsu had come around to be comfortable enough to joke around with us like this. They knew we took our sexuality and relationship seriously, so there was no need to be so serious all the time. A good friend once told me to never take yourself too seriously and at the moment, I was definitely living by that.

            Everything was perfect right now. We were together—united, despite our differences. I tried to ignore the twist in my stomach as I thought of it because right now, I wanted to cherish this moment. I wanted to keep its purity and protect it from the future. I shoved the thoughts to the back of my head again quickly as I saw Changmin suddenly run away from the three men dancing around me holding a strip of short rib in his hand. “Fucking Changmin!” I moved the pan off the stove and ran after the youngest, with Junsu, Yunho and Yoochun right behind me, now yelling the lyrics to “Hey!Girl” at me.


            I love you, guys.


            My heart twisted again.



-1:43 AM-


            Yunho’s breathing was comforting and watching him breathe was even more relaxing in the afterglow of incredible sex. His eyes were closed, naked chest rising and falling steadily as his lips remained curled up into a smile. My head was propped up against my hand and I used my other hand to trace the hills and valleys of his neck to his collarbone and down to his chest. He grinned now as his eyes fluttered and body jerked softly to my touch.

            “Tickles,” He chuckled heavily, still not opening his eyes. I didn’t say anything in response aside from a small snicker as my fingertips continued their mission, sliding around his right pec and dragging my index finger roughly against his nipple, causing Yunho to hiss softly. I lightened my touch again, repeating the same thing to his left nipple that resulted in him hissing again with the added reward of a low moan. I grinned and moved my fingers down, outlining each defined ab muscle with a ghost-like touch. He licked his lips; still not opening his eyes even when I dipped below the blanket and ran my hand down his bare thigh just so I could drag my nails back up the soft flesh. “Mmmm, you’re going to get me hard again if you don’t cut it out.” He growled through a quiet laugh.

            “Your libido is insatiable.”

            “Only because it’s you; I can’t get enough.” He moved one of his arms that was pillowing his head and placed it on my bare thigh, rubbing it tenderly. He finally opened his eyes and looked up at me. “I love your touch.”

            “I love how you feel,” I smiled and moved my hand back to his chest and then to his head, brushing his hair with my fingers.

“You went in deep tonight. It felt good.” Yunho mumbled as we both began to recall the heated, passionate sex that had just ended sometime earlier.

“I had to regain some of my manhood back.” I laughed quietly.

“Mmm, I should let you do that more often.” It stayed silent again. It was peaceful and comforting. So much that I didn’t want to disturb it or ruin it, but I knew that there wasn’t going to be a right time to bring up the topic I was about to talk about. It had been pulling and poking at my mind ever since Yoochun, Junsu and myself decided to do it. Now, it was just a matter of getting Changmin and Yunho on board. I looked out the window, deciding to open up the conversation the most obvious way.

“They revised our contracts again.”

“Yeah, I heard. They said we’d be getting copies of the new ones tomorrow.”

“I wonder what they changed.”

“Doesn’t matter; it’s probably still not in our favor,” His sigh following his sentence was heavy with frustration. “I’m going to have to call the lawyer in the morning to take a look at it.”

            “I don’t know why you bother with that lawyer, Yunho; you know good and damn well he’s employed by SM.”

            “I know. I just feel that he’s got our best interests at heart.”

            “If you’re talking about our money, then yeah, he does.” I scoffed.

            “It’s always about money with you.”

            “Only when it comes to this,” I pulled my hand away from his hair. He watched me curiously while I pushed myself up to a sitting position on the bed, leaning my back against the cool, polished wooden headboard. “I love doing this, Yunho. To be a part of something like Dong Bang Shin Ki has been my dream as far back as I could remember. As much as it’s my dream, though, it’s also my career and quite frankly, our employer is fucking us—hard.”

            “We’re still getting paid though, Jae. It’s not all that bad. It could be better but compared to what we had before, we’re living pretty comfortably.”

            “I get what you’re saying, but don’t you think it’s starting to boil down to the principal of it? We’re being fucked over, our contracts constantly changing for the worse because of what? Because we were young kids with a dream, too desperate or poor to afford to care about the contents of the contract? We just wanted a way in and they knew that and they took advantage of it.”

            “Jaejoong, they had our parents go over the contracts too though, remember?” Yunho was sitting up now, facing me with one leg folded on the bed and the other dangling off. I shook my head.

            “You think our parents understood all of that legal jargon? I sure as fuck didn’t, and I still don’t. They won’t even let us get an outside lawyer to examine the contract, Yunho. We have to use SM’s lawyer, who’s just going to tell us what we want to hear.”

            “Well, what can we do about it now? Sue them?” I stayed quiet, playing with the seams on the comforter, not wanting to look into the eyes that were burning holes in my body. When I still didn’t reply after a few more seconds, Yunho finally sat taller and leaned back. “You can’t be serious, Jaejoong. You can’t possibly be thinking about suing SM.”

            “I wouldn’t be alone; Yoochun and Junsu were talking about it too.” His jaw dropped, his face smeared with complete disbelief as he stood up and walked over to the window while rubbing the back of his neck. “We were planning on telling you and Changmin as soon as we were absolutely sure we were going to do it.”

            He remained quiet and if it hadn’t been such a serious conversation, I would have basked in the glow the moon was casting over Yunho’s naked body. Instead though, I just sat still, holding my breath for Yunho to talk now. He took a couple more minutes of the silence, no doubt probably trying to gather his thoughts.

            “What are we going to get out of this? What’s this going to solve for us?” Yunho asked, now sitting on the small bench in front of the window.

            “Better contracts, better pay? Maybe break from SM all together?”

            “If we break from SM, do you really think they’re going to let us perform together as TVXQ?”

            “Yunho, it’s worth a shot.”

            “Is it really?” His voice was strained. “Is it really worth losing our fans? Losing the hard work we’ve put into this group? We’re rising, Jaejoong. We’re rising fast and it’s what we’ve always dreamed about and talked about as trainees. Japan finally accepted us and Korea still supports us. There are fans in countries we’ve never even been to that know about us! We’re standing at the top right now. I don’t see how this is worth it.”

            “We won’t lose our fans. Come on, Yunho. Stop being this way. I know you feel the same way that we do about this. You know these contracts are unfair. I’m surprised you’re not sick of it already. Being told what to do every single minute, who to go out with, who not to go out with, what to do and what not to do? All these rules and restrictions are ridiculous. It’s deeper than the money, Yunho. It’s about fairness.”

            He stayed quiet and looked up at me for just a second before turning to the side to look at something else. As I was talking, I had gotten off the bed and was now standing beside Yunho, my hand resting on his muscular arm, squeezing it firmly. I watched his other arm rise to run fingers through his bed head hair briefly before resting his palm on the edge of the bench.

            “This is insane. What did Changmin say about this?”

            “I’m not sure yet. I think Yoochun and Junsu were going to talk to him tonight. Since they would all be sharing the room, I’m sure they thought it would be a good opportunity to bring it up.” I bit my lip, looking up at Yunho wide-eyed and full of hope. Just say yes. Say yes.

            “I don’t know, Jae. I’m going to have to think about this. This sort of just...came out of nowhere.” Yunho gave a small chuckle. “I think I now have an idea of how Changmin felt when he found out about us.”

            “Which would be?”

            “Shocked, overwhelmed and sort of pissed off.”

            “Why pissed off?”

            “I just would think that...a decision as this, you guys would want to include us in your plans from the beginning instead of from the middle. You know... fight as a group.”

            The sharp pains in my heart were back. I suddenly felt guilty for not even thinking about that in the first place. This whole thing with the lawsuit really just happened not too long ago. Sure the contract revisions were a great place to put the blame, but it just stemmed deeper than that. Like I said earlier, it’s about fairness and as of that moment, SM Entertainment was being anything but fair. I wanted to tell Yunho about the talks we had with Matsuura-san, President of Avex (our Japanese label) and our good friend, about branching out without SM nagging us. Matsurra-san was always telling us how we deserved to be treated better and that if we were signed to his company, we’d never have to worry about being treated unfairly or poor money distribution ever again. It was enticing. It was exciting to know that someone had our backs. But as I watched the worried expression blanket over Yunho’s face, I started to wonder if filing the lawsuit would really be the right thing. I had to admit, the timing of this lawsuit was really horrible. Our fourth album was almost done since we just needed to finalize a few tracks and we would be on tour in Japan within the year. And to be honest, we didn’t even know for sure if it was going to happen. We were still trying to find a good lawyer for our case.

            We didn’t want to lose. Or settle.

            “I’m sorry, Yun. I kind of killed the mood.”

            “Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you told me. I could tell something was eating at you for a while now. I just wanted you to tell me instead of nagging it out of you.” He reached out and took my hand, pulling my body close to his before wrapping his arms around my waist. “Let me just think about this, okay?”

            “Take your time. Like I said, you know, it’s not even a sure thing. We just really want you and Changmin to fight with us—together.”

            Yunho smiled. “We can talk about it more when we’re all awake. I’d rather have this discussion as a group, anyway.” He leaned his forehead against my own. “For now though, let’s just get to bed; you wore me out. First the sex, and now this.” I laughed as he grinned, pulling him back into the bed and while he fell asleep as quickly as we had lied down, I stayed awake, going over the details and plan that Yoochun, Junsu and I had created. I watched Yunho sleep. I don’t even remember when I fell asleep, but I know that all I was thinking about was Yunho and how I was almost desperate to have him and Changmin join us for this fight. I wanted to believe that Yunho would come around and that he would realize what we were doing and why. I wanted to believe that what I was doing was the right thing for all of us. I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay.

            I had to keep the faith...

Oh my God. I'm so tired. I have to wake up in 4 hours. LOL Fuck it, though. The things I do for my love of the craft!!!! XD So, yeah, If the ending of this seems a bit rushed, I really apologize!! I hope that you enjoyed the light hearted-ness of this chapter (at least in the beginning!). I really wanted to give a insight into how I believe Jaejoong and Yunho would act in their relationship. This chapter was actually inspired BY listening to "Hey!Girl", surprisingly enough. I thought it was really nice peek, especially imagining our boys together playing around and stuff like they were. Ah, I'm so tired, I can't even comment right now. LOL!! I really hope you all enjoy it though!!!! T__T I feel it's sub-par this time...arrgghh..

May. 6th, 2010


...Love... - Part 9


-8.41 AM-


            The walk to the garage elevator was agonizing to say the least. A million thoughts swam through my head as I tried to think of something good to say for when I was finally face to face with Jaejoong and Yunho. I was also driving myself fucking crazy trying to imagine what they were thinking at that moment. Were they going to accept my apology? Would our relationship be strained all on account of how I acted? I could only hope that wouldn’t happen. But I realized that if what I really wanted was for our friendship to remain unchanged, I would have to work just as hard to keep it that way as Jaejoong and Yunho would. I couldn’t let their relationship get to me in a negative way; I had to practice this...tolerance stuff, if not for my benefit, then definitely for the others.

            I kept thinking about Junsu the night before and how he always managed to turn my heart into complete mush when he was being sincere. I thought about how happy he looked when I told him I would try to accept Jaejoong and Yunho’s new lifestyle. I couldn’t forget the way his eyes shimmered with relief and sheer happiness, his gigantic smile and his tight embrace. I knew that if I didn’t try, Junsu would know and, in turn, have him be extremely disappointed in me. I already knew Yoochun was severely disappointed in me and I didn’t need Junsu to be as well considering he was all I had at the moment.

            ‘I wonder if this is how Yunho felt before coming out to the three of us.’ I idly thought to myself. As I stepped into the elevator, with Junsu immediately beside me, I tried putting myself in my hyung’s shoes.  I tried thinking about carrying a secret about me that was so damaging and so taboo that I had to pretend to be someone else for the good of others. I have to admit, I could sometimes be a pretty selfish person and to give up a piece of myself for other people seems like it would be near impossible. I looked over at Junsu and he looked at me. He gave me a big smile, not a hint of doubt or nervousness showing as he patted me on the back. Could I give up something like that for Junsu? For Yoochun? For Jaejoong and Yunho? It was no question I could do it for my immediate family, but what about for adopted family?

            ‘Well Yunho already did...’ I thought to myself guiltily.

            The soft ‘ding’ of the elevator prevented me from thinking about it any longer. This was it. This was the moment. I was nervous, not only because I didn’t know how Jaejoong and Yunho would react, but I didn’t know how I would react. I walked out of the elevator when the doors opened, feeling almost like I was floating towards the door.

            “Ready?” I heard Junsu squeak as he took out his keys and slipped the key in the door. I nodded as he unlocked and opened the door. We both stepped in and Junsu closed the door behind us as we both stared at the living room. I think Junsu was just as surprised as I was because we just stood there, staring at the people in the living room.

            “Ah, Changmin, Junsu—just in time to join us. Please, take a seat.” A deep voice spoke with a menacing undertone.


            The voice belonged to our manager, Lee Soo Man.


            I looked at Junsu, who now just slightly shrugged as we walked over to the living room. Yunho and Jaejoong were sitting on the couch while Yoochun was sitting on the armchair to Yunho’s right. Junsu was in front of me, so he took the seat on the couch next to Jaejoong while I took the other armchair. I looked around and met Yoochun’s eyes; they were void of emotion as he looked at me. I figured he was still mad at me until I looked over at Jaejoong and Yunho and noticed their eyes were completely empty as well, their gaze looking way past me into some unknown location. If I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn they were in ‘Airport Mode’.

            Let me briefly explain ‘Airport Mode’ to you. ‘Airport Mode’ is basically our defense mode with added emotional detachment. It’s the mode we’ve all learned to develop over the years of traveling to and from airports filled with fans that grab, scratch, pull and scream at us. It’s the mode that doesn’t see, hear, feel or say anything unless absolutely necessary. It’s the mode that keeps us safe in an environment that isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, though; we seriously do love our fans, but there are times when we are just so tired and so drained that we just want to have a moment to ourselves. ‘Airport Mode’ usually helps us achieve that. And right now, they all just seemed to have the same vacant glaze over their eyes.

            “So, we were just talking about the MKMF awards. You two weren’t here for that so once again: Congratulations everyone.” Lee-ssi clapped lightly and we all lifted our arms to mimic that clap. This was weird. Alarms were going off in my head as I maintained composure and a polite smile on my face. “Now, I came here to talk about a certain incident that was caught after then award show. A paparazzo somehow caught this footage on tape and thankfully came to me asking for cash first instead of releasing it to the media. Of course I had to pay him off, which will be coming out of your checks, because what I basically did was save your fucking careers.”

            At this moment, he pressed ‘play’ on the VCR and as I watched the scene playing on the large TV in the living room I suddenly had the biggest case of déjà vu in my life. I watched Jaejoong looking up at Yunho, his eyes filled with adoration as he lifted his hand and placed it on his neck before leaning forward and whispering something in his ear...

            Oh, fuck me. You’ve got to be kidding me. Fuck.

            My brain repeated that last work louder and louder as the scene played on.  Watching it for the second time, I was somewhat surprised that I hadn’t seen the blatant writing on the wall. Yunho smiled on the screen, lifted Jaejoong’s hand and kissed his palm. It was simple. It was a small gesture but it spoke loudly. Lee paused the video as Yunho and Jaejoong were walking away, hand-in-hand.

            “So, what did we think about that video, boys?” His smile was strained as his eyes burned into Jaejoong and Yunho.

            “Didn’t look like anything special.” Yoochun shrugged.

            “Yeah. Why would you pay a paparazzo money for that?” Junsu snorted. He sat confidently and cocky with a hint of attitude—it was part of his own “Airport Mode”.

            “Don’t play stupid with me,” Lee-ssi snarled, “What the fuck is going on here between you two?” He pointed at Jaejoong and Yunho.

            “I really have no idea what you’re talking about, sir.” Yunho answered strongly.  “To me, that just looked like normal activity between friends.”

            “Normal activity between friends? Are you serious right now, Yunho?” Lee-ssi ejected the tape and proceeded to destroy it before our eyes by pulling the film out of the tape with annoyance.

            “Of course I am, sir. It’s not like these actions are uncommon. Look at the guys in Super Junior; they do the same thing as we do!”

            “I don’t think those guys are caught in a dark corner with another member whispering and kissing like lovers.”

            “They’re just doing what you asked them to do when we first started. You know, the whole fan-service thing.” I piped up finally. They all turned to look at me, surprise flashing through their faces for an instant before returning to their cold, aloof demeanors.

            “Changmin, how can you perform fan-service without fans?” He looked at me and I only shrugged.

            “I think you’re overreacting, sir.” Jaejoong talked now. “Is this footage the only thing you’ve got that is arousing suspicion?”

            “While it’s the only concrete thing I’ve got, that isn’t all. Don’t think I haven’t heard about you two suddenly missing on set randomly during photoshoots and TV shows. Everyone thinks its funny or what not, but if you two keep up this crap, it will catch up to you. Is that what you want? Your careers ruined? You want everything you’ve worked so hard for gone in a millisecond? Your families won’t be there for you! Not for a bunch of queers! Nor will your friends!” He turned back to Yunho and Jaejoong, his finger sliding back and forth between the both of them. “You two aren’t the only ones in this group you know! You two aren’t the only ones invested!”

            “I can’t believe you’re thinking about us this way.” Yunho stood up, looking our manager dead in the eye, his expression firm and unwavering. “We are best friends. We have been for years, now. To think that we grew up to be a bunch of faggots is disgusting, sir. And on behalf of Jaejoong and myself as the victims in this situation, I can say confidently that we are deeply offended by your conduct as our manager. Throwing out accusations without any sort of knowledge or insight to the situation is unacceptable.”

            The room stayed quiet as I looked around the room at the other members to confirm that they were indeed doing the same exact thing I was doing, which was trying to keep our quivering lips from forming a huge grin. Except for Jaejoong. Jaejoong actually winced when he said ‘faggot’. I realized that as humorous as it was, Yunho had just called himself, and Jaejoong, a derogatory name. Yunho had to, once again, put himself aside for us. Guilt pulled at my conscience as Lee-ssi stared at Yunho and took a step forward.

            “Don’t you be getting brave on me, Yunho, just because I’ve decided to talk to you about this in front of everyone this time instead of alone.” Our grins immediately dropped and we all looked around at each other, hoping someone knew what he was talking about, but by the looks on everyone’s faces, no one knew anything. Not even Jaejoong. “This is the third time I’ve had to talk to you about this, Yunho. You want to be the reason for Dong Bang Shin Ki’s disbandment? Huh? You want your career to be over? You want to end up like every other dead or unemployed faggot actor or singer on the street?”

            “I’m not gay.” Yunho lied, but if you didn’t know that he actually was, you never would have guessed other wise. The way he said it, with such contempt and disgust could convince anyone. I even bought it for a moment.

            Then stop acting like one!” Lee-ssi roared in Yunho’s face. Yunho’s fingers curled up into a fist and I swear he was going to sock that man across the face.  To everyone’s surprise though, Jaejoong stood up and placed his hand gently on Yunho’s shoulder and almost immediately, his hand relaxed. We all held our breath as we watched Lee-ssi stare at Jaejoong and then at Yunho again. “This is not a fucking game. You two straighten your shit out or I’ll do it for you, and believe me you don’t want that. This goes for all of you.” He looked around at us before tossing the tape behind him; it bounced against the wall., echoing his anger. “Pack up. You’re going back to Japan in three hours. And burn that fucking tape.” He hissed as he turned on his heel and walked out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind him loudly.

We all looked at each other in complete shock. Did that really just happen? Could it be that he was actually noticing the chemistry between the two? And what was all that crap he was saying about this being the third time he’s had to talk to Yunho about his conduct? Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait any longer for an answer to the questions.

“He’s talked to you about this before?” Yoochun scooted to the edge of the chair.

            “Yeah.” Yunho trembled while his eyes exuded only pure hatred.

            “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Jaejoong asked next while Yunho scoffed.

            “I only recently got the balls to come out to you guys. What makes you think I would have been comfortable telling you all that Lee-ssi had talked to me about taking the fan-service too far?” I had to agree on that one and it seemed that everyone else did as well since no one really said anything after that. Yunho sat down on the couch, his head cradled in his hands. “He’s gotten worse over the years. He used to be such a great manager. Now he’s just a fucking asshole.”

            The room stayed quiet and I suddenly realized that there was no way in hell I was going to talk to Yunho right now. He looked ready to punch something, or someone, and I was not ready to make myself a target to his strong left hook. I stood up to leave, but before I did, I turned to Yunho.

            “Don’t worry about him, Yunho. Just take care of yourself. We should start packing though.” He looked surprised, and to be honest so did every one else. I’m not sure why, though; It’s not like I ran up to the guy and hug-tackled him. I suppose after yesterday though, even slightly tender words coming from me would be a surprise to anyone. I just hoped the words were enough to hold him for just a while longer while I got my thoughts and feelings straightened out.



-3:00 AM-

-Tokyo, Japan­-


            My eyes opened; it was like my sub-conscious knew where I was and it wouldn’t let me sleep until I performed my ritual of stepping out onto the balcony to admire the bright lights of Tokyo in the distance. I felt almost giddy as a got out of bed and opened the door quietly to sneak out to my destination. I stepped lightly, the lights twinkling brilliantly from where I was positioned. As I neared, the door, I quickly felt as though I was being watched. I turned slowly to see light brown hair sticking up over the couch. I as I neared closer, I leaned over to look over the couch and lock eyes with the man hiding behind it.

            “Damn,” Yunho sighed. “I was hoping you wouldn’t see me.” He smiled meekly, pulling his knees closer to his chest.

            “Want me to leave you alone?”

            “No it’s fine. I mean, if you want, I wouldn’t mind. But I saw you were going to go outside, so you can go if you want. Either way it’s cool. I was probably going to bed soon anyway or—”

            “Will you shut up already? I’m not gonna bite your head off.” I laughed quietly, sitting down opposite from Yunho on the couch. Yunho laughed softly.

            “Yeah, well, I didn’t think you were going to bite my head off yesterday, but you did. I’m just being cautious.”

            Guilt tugged at me again as it dawned on me that I hadn’t even apologized for that yet. Fuck. I was such a dickhead sometimes. I brought one leg up on the couch and leaned my side against the soft cushions on the couch.

            “I’m sorry for flipping out on you, Yunho. I really am. But You’ve got to understand where I’m coming from at least a little bit. I walked in on you two fucking naked. In bed. Holding each other. It wasn’t exactly something I was prepared for, you know.”

            “I know and I completely understand that. You weren’t supposed to see that, but we stayed up so late—uh—I mean,” He stammered hard and blushed even harder.

            “Thank you for the unnecessary imagery.” I grumbled.

            “Sorry.” He chuckled slightly when he saw I wasn’t really mad—just slightly disturbed.

            “So, I mean, if you don’t mind me asking, when did you know you were...gay?” Damn, that word was so hard to say seriously. I watched Yunho smile as he looked up at the ceiling as if it was replaying the exact moment in his head.

            “Well, I always say that it was the day I kissed my ex-girlfriend for the last time, but I guess if you want to get technical...It was the day I first saw Jaejoong.” He said softly, wiggling his toes as he looked out the window behind me.

            That’s when you knew for sure? No way.” I was skeptical.

            “Well, sort of. See, when I saw Jaejoong for the first time, I knew I was attracted to him, but I wasn’t sure what the attraction was. Was it his looks? His singing? His laugh? I wasn’t sure. I just knew that I was in complete awe of him. When we’d talk, I’d get excited, when we’d go out for food together, I would find myself smiling non-stop and when he’d touch me, even if it was just the smallest tap, I could feel the adrenaline literally pulse through my veins. I thought it was just because I had found someone I could confide in and trust.

            At the time, I was going out with my ex and we were just starting up together as Dong Bang Shin Ki. We had events, press conferences, small concerts, TV shows, we were busy remember? Just trying to get our name out there and the music. Anyway, one day she calls me, asking to see me as soon as possible. It would be a few weeks until I saw her again, but when I did, she told me that she wanted to break up. To both her, and my surprise, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t try to keep her around or convince her that we could get through the tough times and I guess that’s what she wanted me to do because she started crying and asking me if I ever loved her. When I told her I was sorry, she just ran up to me and kissed me. Now I know I’ve kissed her before, but this time, there was something different about it. When I closed my eyes, I had forgotten I was kissing her and instead imagined myself kissing someone else.”

            “You imagined yourself kissing Jaejoong.”

            “Exactly, and I think she knew that my heart wasn’t in it anymore—that it belonged to someone else. When she pulled away, she waited for me to say something, but I was too terrified to speak. I realized right then that my feelings for Jaejoong ran much deeper than I wanted to admit. My mind was so preoccupied with sorting out my feelings that I didn’t even notice that she had left. I took the rest of that day to try to convince myself that what I was feeling for Jaejoong wasn’t what I thought it was.... but when I saw Jaejoong that night, I knew the truth.”

            “Do you think that maybe it’s just an infatuation?”

            “You know, I thought about that. I really did. Changmin, I’ve gone over all the possibilities. Infatuation, envy, lust, loneliness, you name it, I thought of it. But every one of those excuses just never added up to me. It never explained the butterflies I got in my stomach when Jaejoong would say my name. It never explained the part where I’d treat him better than my own girlfriend when we were together. I realized after that day that I wasn’t really attracted to women sexually. Sure I’ve had sex with my exes, but it never felt like anything special to me. Nor did I get ragingly turned on. And to be honest, Jaejoong isn’t the only man I’ve been attracted to.”

            I looked at him suspiciously, scooting my legs back a little, which made him laugh.

            “Don’t flatter yourself, Changmin: you’re not my type.” He grinned. I just relaxed, realizing I was probably overreacting again.

            “So whom else were you attracted to?” Curiousity got the best of me. Yunho scratched the back of his head nervously.

            “Not sure I want to tell you that now. Not sure he’d appreciate it. Besides, that’s just going off topic. It’s another story for another day.”

            My mind screamed. Dammit I loved knowing juicy details and he was holding out on me! Ugh. Well I couldn’t blame him really. I hadn’t really been the model candidate for someone to confide in within the last forty-eight hours. We stayed quiet; the only noises that were heard was the scrape of glass against glass as Yunho picked up the cup that was sitting on the coffee table and took a drink of the clear liquid I assumed to be water. I watched Yunho moved and I knew that Jaejoong was still on his mind as we spoke. It was a new side of Yunho that I wasn’t quite used to. It was gentle and confident as usual, but there was something else about him that I just couldn’t quite put my finger on. I ended up sighing and breaking the silence as I was ready to say what was on my mind.

            “Yunho, can I be completely honest with you?”

            “Of course.”                       

            “I know that being with Jaejoong makes you happy, and I’m happy that it does, but,” This part was going to suck. “I’m sorry but I just can’t be happy for you. Not now. Not yet. Are you sure you just haven’t found the right girl yet... or something?”

            He laughed and replied calmly, “I told you, I’ve thought about all that before. I’m gay, Changmin. There is no ‘right girl’.”

            I stayed quiet for a minute. “I’m not hurting your feelings am I? By being so honest?”

            “Well, you are, but I suppose it’s something I should expect from the majority of everyone I know and don’t know. I suppose it’s good practice, though, for when I end up telling my parents.”

            “You’re seriously going to tell them?”

            “I would like to be completely honest with them at some point.” He trailed off as he suddenly found the stitch count on the couch highly fascinating.  He then continued, answering the question brewing in my head as if he was reading my mind. “Do I think they’ll accept me? Hopeful answer? Maybe. Realistic answer? No. I’m the only son. It’s up to me to pass on the family name and I can’t exactly do that with another man. I’m terrified to tell them, but I know that one day, I want to. But not now. There’s too many good things going on. We’re going to start recording the fourth Japanese album, then tour. There are so many good things coming up for us as a group, I wouldn’t want to ruin it. I’m already getting excited about going back to Korea to cut our fifth album. It would be good to give the Korean fans something new.”

            I watched Yunho smile happily. I think he was happier than I had ever seen him before since I’ve known him. I couldn’t help but feel a bit concerned for my hyung though. The thought of him actually entertaining the idea of telling his parents about his sexuality was unsettling. What would he gain out of being rejected by his family? I just didn’t understand. Why he would want to put himself through that sort of pain? Just so they could know the truth? And then what? Be shunned and disowned? I just couldn’t grasp it tightly enough to understand.

            “We have a lot to learn from each other, Changmin-ah.” He smiled, looking right at me and I swear either I was thinking out loud and I didn’t realize it or Yunho was a fucking psychic. “You won’t up on me, will you?”

            “As long as you don’t give up on me, I won’t stop trying to understand you, Yunho-ah.” We smiled, but I added a sigh, leaning over and hugging Yunho for the first time since the MKMF award show. It felt good to know that Yunho was willing to work with me on his road to acceptance. I actually felt optimistic for both of us. We ended up staying up a bit later, talking about other things that had nothing to do with his sexuality and I was suddenly comfortable with him again. It was like nothing had ever happened. I think our bonds grew stronger that night and I didn’t know that within the year, they would become even stronger.


OH MY GOD, FUCKIN' FINALLY, RIGHT?!?!!? UGHHH, I'm so sorry for the long wait, everyone, but I had the FATTEST writer's block EVAR!! I'm still not one hundred percent happy with the chapter, but in the end, I felt it was a good way to move on to what could happen next.
So okay, at first, I was going to write this chapter as Jaejoong and I was going to make Changmin's talk with Yunho public. But I started thinking about it more by REALLY putting myself in Changmin's mentality. Would I really be comfortable in a situation like that? Could someone with views as his really be swayed so easily? I think this is where the writer's block kicked in. I wanted so badly to write what happened after Changmin left, but the muses just wouldn't let me. I think in the end, it was better this way since what I really wanted to do was just give a strong, fair point of view from the other side.
As for Changmin not accepting it right away, this is actually where things start to get personal for me and is what pushed the rest of the chapter to completion. I was thinking about Junsu's new single (OMG SO NAUGHTY! I LOVE IT!!!!!), and I was watching the MV (AGAIN SO NAUGHTY!!! =Q---- ) and I realized that although I was happy for Junsu being able to branch out and do his own thing, I still just wasn't completely happy. I started to get selfish, thinking about how BADLY I miss TVXQ together. I'm happy that Junsu is happy, but, just like Changmin, I can't be COMPLETELY happy for him. Not yet... not quite yet. I just couldn't help Imagining Jaejoong, Yunho, Changmin and Yoochun behind him during the entire MV. *sigh*...Okay. sorry for the downer. Thank you for reading my rant!!

OH.. and BTW... How about that Lee Soo-Man scene?! THAT FUCKER!!! *shakes fist*

<3 <3 <3

Apr. 23rd, 2010


...Love... - Part 8


­-1:57 PM-


            “Changmin, wait!” I heard the door slam behind me, running to the middle of the hallway to catch the elevator I think I saw Changmin slide into. My mind was running thousands of miles an hour, trying to repeat the conversation that had just taken place in our living room. I still couldn’t grasp it and even more, I still couldn’t believe the way Changmin had behaved. He was young, sure, but he had always prided himself on being the most book-smart and calculating one out of all of us. “Changmin!” I huffed, finally reaching the elevator. The doors were closed, but I mashed the button anyway, considering taking the stairs since I was sure he’d be downstairs by now. But I didn’t have to think about where Changmin was a moment longer; the elevator doors opened almost immediately, revealing Changmin leaning against the steel wall, mimicking the cold, strong atmosphere that surrounded him; his arms were folded across his chest and his eyes were ripping into mine. I looked at him for a moment, confused.

            “You getting in, or what?” He fired impatiently as his fingers squeezed his arm tightly. I nodded stepping into the elevator and almost losing my breath at the tension he had created inside the confined space. I waited only a moment before taking charge of the situation and pressing the ‘Garage’ button. The ride down was silent except for the shuffle of his jacket, the clicking of plastic and the snap of a case. I glanced over, verifying that Changmin had slipped on his sunglasses and was now putting on his coat. I didn’t know what to say to him. I wanted to yell at him, to hug him, to slap him and shake some sense into him. While the news of Yunho and Jaejoong was definitely something I’m sure we all weren’t quite prepared for, I had expected more from Changmin. He had grown up with nothing but love surrounding him, even as the youngest member as much as we picked on him, we always made sure the he was more than taken care of. And now for him to just lash out at Yunho and Jaejoong for something like that was just unsettling.

            The elevator crept to a stop and the doors opened, revealing the parking garage. He looked at me and I only lifted my keys, signaling to him that we were taking my car. He nodded, following me out of the elevator and to my Audi. When we had gotten inside the car, I realized then that my heart was pounding so hard that I was starting to hear it echo in my ears. I started the car and backed out, neither one of us saying anything. I didn’t even know where we were going; all I knew is that I had to get Changmin far away from here. I had to calm him down before I could even think about talking to him. Within minutes, we were on the road, stuck in light traffic before I pulled off onto an exit for one of the main highways.

            I continued to drive, neither one of us talking and not even the radio was on; the sounds of the road was our only music. It was then that I started to think. How could I help Changmin understand the decision Yunho and Jaejoong made? It was going to be difficult. And even worse, I didn’t even know if he was angry with me for actually making a move to accept them as they were. I knew when Changmin had called me out in the living room, he was counting on me to put my faith forward and defend the word of God, but I just…couldn’t.

            After the day Yunho and I went to Itaewon, I watched him like a hawk. I’d notice him becoming more affectionate towards Jaejoong and while Jaejoong somewhat reciprocated in the beginning, he had grown to show more emotions to Yunho after time went on. I still wasn’t sure though, but as I kept watching, everything began to make sense. Like when Yoochun didn’t react when Yunho had came out…it’s because he knew something. He had to have known something. The day he came back from the bathroom with Yunho, clearly with tears in his eyes just gave it away. Changmin bought the Yoohwan story, hook-line-and-sinker, but I didn’t. Sure, Yoochun was sensitive when it came to his brother, but to cry over a casual phone call? I didn’t believe it.

            I still had my doubts though, feeling as though I was wishing ill upon Yunho…until I saw it. It was actually Changmin who had pointed it out at the award show when Yunho kissed Jaejoong’s hand. The small sign of affection had literally flown over Changmin’s head, but not mine. To me, that was the confirmation I needed to confront Yunho. That is, until this morning happened. Now I had to put my feelings on hold to try and shake the man sitting beside me back to his senses.

As I was figuring out what to say, I was also beginning to notice that the city was fading away and it was soon being replaced with grassy terrain, modest buildings and even more modest housing.

            “Do you know where we’re going? You’ve been driving for almost an hour.” I was so used to the quiet that I actually flinched when Changmin spoke. I cleared my throat and looked around.

            “I have an idea,” I lied. I didn’t know where the heck I was, but I figured as long as I kept going straight, it wouldn’t be hard to find our way back. I looked over at him to see his face still turned away from mine, facing the window. He’d been in the same position since we had left and hadn’t budged yet until now.

            “So do you really accept them?” His voice was rough as he spoke slowly. “I mean, being a man of God or whatnot, doesn’t it go against your religion?”

            I knew this question was coming up and it was the very question I was trying to develop an answer for until he interrupted my thoughts. However, as I thought about it and said a small mental prayer for God to help me get through to Changmin, I found the words came to me with ease.

            “I am Christian, yes. I pray every night before I sleep, every morning when I wake up and every time before any kind of major event we all have together. I’m proud of my religion, but as with all things, it isn’t perfect. There is something I’ve learned along my life and it’s a lesson that religion, school or books can’t fully teach you.”

            “That is?” He sounded skeptical already.

            “Tolerance—the ability to accept someone, despite your disagreements and different opinions. Changmin, you’re usually so level headed, so smart and so patient, but today you were a different person. You were…cruel to someone you didn’t understand. Your patience flew out the door and you didn’t even give Yunho the chance to help you understand him.”

            “He’s trying to change my opinion of something that I feel strongly against. Wouldn’t you think he’s not being tolerant of me?”

            “He didn’t try to change anything—it was Yoochun that was yelling at you, if you remember correctly.” Changmin didn’t speak, knowing full well that I was right. Changmin, right after Yunho had come out, already made the decision to reject it. He didn’t give it a chance and this was when Yoochun stepped in.

            “Well then what about you? This homosexuality is against the bible or whatever, isn’t it?”

            “If that’s your only defense, I’m about to shatter it right now. I’m a proud Christian, but to me, being a Christian isn’t about following the Bible to the letter. To me, being a good Christian is to think like Jesus when he was on Earth. How would he react? Would he curse and shout at those he didn’t agree with? Would he shun them and deny their presence? No. Jesus is good, kind, compassionate, loving—and tolerant. Maybe being gay goes against his beliefs, but that doesn’t give him, or anyone, the right to treat them like disgusting human beings. Especially when all they want to do is just be in love. I believe, despite what the Bible says, that Jesus loved us all, despite his beliefs. And I’m sure he knew that there were people out there that didn’t think of him as the Son of God at all, considering that there are different religions out there, but he accepted them anyway.” I felt my throat start to get tight. When I blinked, I realized that my eyes were starting to tear up as I was talking about it, and it wasn’t because I was talking about my faith; it was because I understood.

            When I told Yunho that I accepted him, I was confused as to why I even said that, knowing full well that Christianity forbade it. I had meant to tell them this, but the words that came out were so completely different that I shocked myself at the moment and I was completely confused. But I understood why, now. Faith isn’t about acting out every word from the scripture every day of your life, and it isn’t about enforcing your beliefs on others. It was deeper than that—it was what you made it.

            I pulled over to very small, rundown restaurant off the side of the road and parked the car, mainly to gather my thoughts and regain composure.

            “Your words,” I continued, fighting back a sob. “Were the most heartbreaking words I had ever heard come out of your mouth. You didn’t even care about them. And Yoochun was so right—they’re like your brothers and you just threw that aside and acted like a scared child who didn’t know what to do so you just yelled and screamed at the people who probably care about you just as much as your own blood relatives do.” I paused, looking at him for a reaction, for something, but he didn’t budge; his eyes remained hidden behind his dark sunglasses, his face poised and unmoving while he rested one arm on his leg and the other on the sill of the passenger window. I could feel he wasn’t looking at me. When he didn’t speak after the pause, I continued hastily for fear that he’d suddenly snap again.

“I can’t count the amount of times Yunho has been there for you, staying up with you late at night to practice Japanese or when he helped you with voice exercises when your voice was changing. And then Jaejoong, always making extra of whatever he cooks because he knows you’re going to be hungry an hour and a half later. He even makes your bed, cleans up the apartment, not even bothering to ask for help even though he’s sees you just browsing the Internet or playing some game on the couch. Or how he’s always taking care of you when your sick, trying to fight Yunho over what kind of herbs or teas you should have. Or…” I choked on my words as the sob I’d been holding in finally escaped me along with the cascade of tears that were suddenly rolling down my cheeks. I gripped the steering wheel, clenching my teeth together trying to will myself to stop, but I couldn’t. My heart was aching and it was mainly for Yunho and Jaejoong. “Or…” Trying to continue was pointless. I was sobbing, the tense air in the car finally taking its toll on me as I gasped for air in-between sobs while my grip on the steering wheel tightened, my knuckles turning white and my teeth were clenched so tightly that my jaw was aching.

 I tried to catch my breath when I suddenly felt Changmin’s hands cover mine and he began to pry my fingers loose from the steering wheel. After he succeeded, he turned off the ignition to the car and removed his sunglasses. I looked into his eyes, hoping for a tear or some kind of sign that he was remorseful, but no such sign existed in his eyes. I couldn’t read them, either, though; they were clouded with thoughts and questions to which I knew he had no answers for. He brought his hands up to my face, using his thumbs to wipe my tears before he wrapped his arms around me, attempting to hug me as best as he could over the cup holders, change tray and emergency brake. As much as I tried to resist hugging him back, I couldn’t hold back for very long. My arms, feeling as if they were made of steel, slowly raised and clung onto his jacket tightly.

“Please, God,” I silently prayed. “Give us all the strength, love and tolerance to survive this.”



-5:37 PM-


            “Junsu,” A soft voice fluttered around me. “Junsu, wake up.” I felt arms shake me gently and I finally opened my swollen eyes. Changmin’s sunglasses were back on his face as he gave me a small smile. “We’re at my apartment. I…I hope you don’t mind.” I sat up, looking around, realizing that I was actually on the passenger side now and the keys were in Changmin’s hands.

            “What the—”

            “You fell asleep. I had to carry you to the passenger side. I think the crying wore you out.” He said quietly, obviously not wanting to bring up the sensitive subject again.

            “You didn’t wreck the car, did you?”

            “Actually…” My fingers immediately balled into fists. “I’m kidding!” He said quickly, offering me a small chuckle before handing me the keys. “She’s safe and sound.” I allowed my lips to curl up into a smile as well before exiting the car and locking the doors.

            “Why are we here and not our apartment?” I was curious, watching his movements carefully for any kind of hint as to what he was thinking or feeling. He let his smile fade into a lopsided one as he scratched his head nervously.

            “I’m just not ready to go back yet. When you were talking in the car about—” He paused, looking around after hearing his voice echo loudly in the garage at his own apartment. “Let’s go upstairs, we can talk better there.”


            Changmin’s apartment, despite how messy he was at the apartment we shared, was actually pretty clean and modern; there was a flat screen TV that was surrounded by different gaming consoles and audio control devices. I looked on top of the media center and saw more speakers and an iPod dock along with a few other trinkets that I had no idea what they were used for. There was a laptop on the coffee table and an electric piano near the huge window that was overlooking the city. The window, I noticed, also had a door leading out to a balcony. The kitchen was spotless and empty, save for the teakettle and a single pot and pan stacked together on the stove. I sat on the plush black, leather couch while my eyes followed Changmin to the kitchen.

            “Would you like something to drink?” He took out two of the five glasses he had in the cupboard and set them down on the counter.

            “I’ll just have what you’re having.” I called back, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes so that I could be fully alert to comprehend whatever Changmin had to say. I looked up when I saw Jaejoong walking towards me with a plastic bottle of ‘Hite’ beer and two small beer glasses. “Oh good—alcohol.” I sighed, grabbing the glasses from Changmin’s grip so that he could sit down and situate himself. Changmin only chuckled and remained standing while he poured beer into my glass. I then took the bottle from him and poured some into his as he sat down on the couch with me. We raised our glasses, clinked them together and took a sip before finally getting relaxed. We stayed quiet, but it wasn’t an awkward silence as you might think it would have been. It was a good quiet because I could feel that Changmin had calmed down considerably, his warmth and patience slowly returning and it was visible; his eyes weren’t so hard, his mouth was relaxed and his eyes were soft and thoughtful. I didn’t push him to talk right away. I only sipped the bitter beer and rotated my neck in a circle, trying to get the kinks out of my neck that had formed from sleeping in the car.

            “Do you think they hate me right now?” Changmin spoke softly; he looked down into the cup he had just taken a sip from. It was a strange first question, considering how pissed off and angry Changmin was just hours earlier.

            “I don’t think they hate you, but they’re definitely not happy with you. Especially Yoochun. How’s your cheek, by the way?”

            “It doesn’t sting anymore. It was a pretty hard slap. I’m surprised he didn’t just deck me.”

            “He wouldn’t do that to you. He cares about you too much to really cause you pain. Besides, I think the slap made his point.”

            “Yeah, no shit,” Changmin paused and took a sip of the beer and stayed quiet for a minute longer. “You know, when I walked into that room this morning and I saw them there, my mind was turning so fast, trying to find an excuse for them to be like that. I had about fifteen excuses, all of them shitty.” He sighed, looking down again. “I knew, though. I knew as soon as I saw them. I knew as soon as I saw their clothes tossed around the living room and our bedroom door was closed. Something was different in the apartment, you know? The atmosphere changed. When I opened that door, I was face to face with it, with no warning and no hints-- and I just lost it.

            I grew up blind to homosexuality, Junsu. My parents raised me to be a good, Buddhist, Korean boy. Talk of gays or lesbians never came up, and when the subject finally did, there was just no tolerance for them at all. It was always, ‘There is no homosexuality in Korea. Let’s be thankful for that’, or ‘homosexuals should be ashamed of themselves for blatantly refusing to pass on the family name.’ That’s just how it was. It’s what I’ve always known. I feel bad about what I said to Jaejoong and Yunho, I really do. It’s just that when you know one way for so long, it’s so hard to see any other way as the ‘right’ one.”

            Logic and sensibility had returned to Changmin. His words, so carefully placed, calculated and mature had made complete and total sense to me. I understood now why Changmin was so angry, so hurt and so confused. I suppose if I were as blinded to it as he was, I would have blown up too. It surprised me though. For him to be so smart yet so blind to such things, he must have either been really sheltered or in complete denial. Who knows? Maybe even both. “Changmin-ah,” I pressed a hand on his knee. “What do you believe in?” His head tilted, slightly confused and trying to figure out what I meant.  “Let me give you an example: Let’s say your parents are vegetarians. They love being vegetarian and they believe that the only healthy, happy way to be is vegetarian. They have a baby and feed the baby nothing but vegetarian food and raise him, or her, to be a vegetarian. As the child grows, they’re going to be exposed to meat eventually, be it at school or at work when they’re older.

Now, the child, as they grow older, can make the decision on their own now. Do they continue to be vegetarian? Do they even like being vegetarian? Do they even agree on the reason why their parents are vegetarian? Are they curious about meat? What is it like? Why is it so bad? What does it taste like? Will I like it? Questions, curiosities all come into play now. And there are some that, more often than not, break out of the way they were raised so they could know for themselves. They want to experience. They want to be the judge of what they like or what they don’t like. They want to have control over their beliefs and over themselves. They will always be thankful and grateful of their parents for raising them but there comes a time when we have to think for ourselves. And who knows? Maybe the vegetarian child truly enjoys being vegetarian and isn’t curious about anything else and is just as repulsed by meat as their parents. That’s completely fine too, but,” I paused, squeezing his knee to get his attention. He lifted his head, meeting my stare. “I don’t think that’s who you are, Changmin. Or are you?”

He’s eyes were heavy with thought, the glass in his hands leaning against his hand as he loosened his grip. The corner of his lower lip was sucked between his teeth as he nibbled on it gently and I could tell he was just trying to form some kind of response. He swallowed hard now, bringing the glass up and taking a large drink before setting it down onto the coffee table. He looked away from me after a while and looked down at my hand on his knee.

“I don’t know, Junsu.”

“Don’t know what? If you’re that kind of person or about Jaejoong and Yunho?”

“I guess both,” he paused as I felt my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. “But I think I can try to, you know, accept them. Practice tolerance. I’m making no guarantees, Junsu! I’m saying I’m going to try!” He must have noticed my face light up like a Christmas tree.

“Try hard!” I squealed, unable to contain the gigantic smile that spread across my face.

“I’ll try my hardest, I promise.” He laughed, placing his hand over mine and giving it a squeeze. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I jumped up and threw my arms around Changmin, hugging him tightly and smiling so much my cheeks hurt. Changmin just returned the hug and laughed, letting me hold him for as long as I wanted. When I pulled away, he was smiling as well, not as confidently as I would have liked, but it was a smile. “Come on,” he said, grabbing his glass and the pitcher. “Let’s go drink on the balcony. I’d like to watch the sunset since I’ve got the view for it.”

“We’re not going home tonight?” I felt my smile falter a little while I was standing to follow him outside. He paused and turned to me as his hand turned the door handle.

“I’m not sure they don’t want to see me tonight. Sure, I’m calm now, but who knows what they’re like right now. Besides, it would be better start a new beginning on a new day.”

“I thought you said you’d try?”

“I will but just…tomorrow. Please, Junsu?” He pleaded. I could tell he still wasn’t comfortable and I had to understand. I had to be tolerant. I nodded, renewing my smile.

“Tomorrow.” I repeated, full of hope as I followed Changmin out the door and onto the balcony to wait for sunset. “You’re buying me dinner for making me cry today. I hope you know that.”

Told ya it was almost done!!! XD XD WOOT! Two in a week!!! YAY for the muses!!!! Working so hard. XD

Ahh so Chapter 8... let's hope some of the things you were wondering about in the last chapter now make sense. ^__^ <3

Also, a random word about this chapter, it was quite interesting for me to write. I feel that as I'm writing this, I'm gaining much knowledge from my research and by trying to think like the actual characters. I'm really not a very religious person, despite that I believe in God, so it was quite different for me to think as spiritual as Junsu. Changmin's part was also challenging, but thanks to the research I've done, it made writing it a bit easier. I'm still always looking for material on the current situation in Korea regarding homosexuality, so I hope that everything is fairly accurate, if not completely. =D



So, I'm at work listening to a certain DBSK song when I am struck with A BRILLIANT idea for the ending of my fic... Only problem is, I don't know Korean T___T!!!

So if any of you are fluent in Korean and don't mind giving me a hand (it's not a gigantic spoiler! Promise!), could you please PM me??? Thank you all so much for the support!!!! <3 <3

Posted via Journaler.

Apr. 21st, 2010


...Love... Part 7


-11:59 PM-


            The limo ride home was as long and as sexually charged as the car ride home after that heated session with Jaejoong at the dance studio almost two months ago and it was getting harder to breathe with each passing moment. Everyone was laughing and talking, especially myself but it wasn’t because I was actually paying attention; I was just trying not to think of how beautiful Jaejoong looked earlier when he was swathed head to toe in white like some ethereal being. As we were getting ready backstage for our performance, I couldn’t stop myself from letting my eyes trail down his smooth ivory neck, and down his chest, pausing only to watch his necklace glisten gently every time he took a breath and let it out, and then down to his perfectly sculpted abs that made my groin tighten the more I kept staring at him. He must have felt my eyes on him because he had suddenly turned, his lips hiding within the pure white fur that sat atop his right shoulder and I watched as his eyes burned into mine while a feline grin spread across his face.

            “How do I look, Leader-ssi?” His voice sounding completely innocent while his eyes told a different story. Not only that, but he had called me ‘Leader-ssi’ and normally, I wouldn’t care if anyone in the group called me that, especially since they’ve called me that for so long that I was pretty used to it. But lately, Jaejoong had been saying it with a completely different tone. He’d purr it in my ear when I’d kiss him on the neck, he’d moan it against my lips when I’d rub his rapidly hardening cock and he’d scream it, along with my name, as he was coming. When he asked me that, saying ‘Leader-ssi’ with a small hint of breathlessness, I could only muster up a tight smile and an even tighter nod.

            “Good.” I blurted out quickly for fear that my voice would betray me and make it come out sounding like a moan. He had grinned, satisfied, as we all finished getting ready and made our way back to our seats. It was hard to stay still with Jaejoong’s sweet cologne washing over me whenever he’d lean close to me to whisper his newest dirty thought that had entered his mind. It was funny, but for someone who was still apprehensive of admitting his homosexuality, he seemed pretty aggressive when it came down to it. It was also the one thing that had me wondering if I was ever going to get an answer from Jaejoong.

            Since the day I asked him if we could start dating, he never really gave me an answer and I never wanted to push him to give me one. The fact he actually felt the same way about me made me so happy that I didn’t want to scare him away or give him any reason to back off. But it had been almost two months now; two months of us sneaking off to bathrooms, waking up at absurd hours of the night and heavy sneaking around for intense make-out sessions, hand jobs and blowjobs…

            …Yeah. We still haven’t had sex yet. But believe me, it’s not because I don’t want to and Jaejoong had expressed enough interest for it also and of course I was a fool to deny him of it because Lord knows I’ve probably wanted it way longer than he has. The reason I denied him though was because he hadn’t given me an answer as to what he wants to be and I didn’t want to tell him that the reason why I wouldn’t have sex with him was because I wanted to be in a relationship first; I didn’t want him to agree just so we could have sex. Not that I thought he was that kind of person, but because I didn’t want anything to sway his decision. I wanted Jaejoong to date me because he wants to be with me and not just so he could test out his sexual curiosities on me, especially because when it comes to having sex with a man, I’m a virgin.

            This really shouldn’t surprise you, considering the fact that I’ve been hiding this from just about everyone I know—family, friends, managers, media, acquaintances, you name it. And with Jaejoong, it isn’t just about having sex with a man—I love Jaejoong and I can say with complete confidence that he’s the only person that I have ever truly loved with absolute honesty. The girlfriends before, as much of an asshole as I feel now for even saying ‘I love you’ to them, I realize now that I never meant it in the way they wanted. I truly did love them, but as friends that were dear to me. At the time, I couldn’t understand why it felt so wrong to say that to them, but I understand now.

            “So tired,” A voice roared through his yawn. I turned over to see Junsu stretching and his eyes watering due to the yawn. “Is everyone going back to the apartment?”

            “I’m going home tonight,” Changmin leaned back against the soft leather seats of the limo while his hand reached up to undo the neat bowtie around his neck. “I miss my sisters and my parents. My mom sent me a text after the award show too, telling me to come home so she could make a celebration breakfast.”

            “Yeah, I’m heading home tonight too. Junho also sent me a message saying mom wants me to visit before heading back to Japan.” Junsu chimed in as he mirrored Changmin’s actions by undoing his own bowtie. Jaejoong’s eyes immediately shifted over to me and then to Yoochun. Jaejoong leaned forward, allowing me a peek down his black jacket to observe his smooth, alluring body all over again.

            “Yoochun-ah,” He smiled, “Are you going home tonight too?” Yoochun blinked once at Jaejoong, then turned his head towards me and blinked again. I gave him a smile with tons of pleading undertones. He yawned loudly when he realized Changmin and Junsu were staring at him, wondering why he was taking so long to answer.

            “Ah, yeah! I’m going home! There’s some clothes and a couple of things I want to get from my apartment before we go back to Japan,” He then thought for a second, as if really happy he got ‘convinced’ to go back to his apartment. “And I really want to wash my car.”

            “God, you’re so obsessed.” Changmin muttered as he waved a hand at Yoochun. “What about you two?”

            “It’s too late to go home right now. My sister is asleep and my father messaged me after he saw our performance saying that he was going to bed. I’ll visit him tomorrow.” We all then looked at Jaejoong as he casually leaned back and rubbed his eyes.

            “Too tired tonight. I’ll go tomorrow.” He said simply.

            “Good. You two can clean the apartment then,” Changmin smiled wide. “I’ll probably be go back in the afternoon sometime.” 

            “What am I, your maid?” Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at Changmin who was shrugging nonchalantly.

            “You claim to be the mother of DBSK, right? Mother, maid…I don’t see much of a difference.” He grinned victoriously when he saw Jaejoong’s jaw drop in disbelief when he realized Changmin had just checkmated him. Jaejoong had just reached across the limo to tickle him when the Limo crept to a stop.

            “The apartment, sirs.” The driver spoke politely before exiting the limo and opening the door for us. We each thanked him and headed up to our room. As we exited the elevator at our floor, Jaejoong held my arm, waiting for the others to walk ahead out of ear shot before he leaned forward and pressed his lips right against my ear.

            “Don’t change yet.” He breathed, sending millions of shivers down my spine. I maintained my composure though and looked right at him.

            “I won’t if you don’t.”


            It didn’t take long for Junsu and Changmin to change and pack up some stuff and leave. In the meantime, Jaejoong and I were still walking around the apartment, cleaning up what we could without getting our red-carpet outfit’s too dirty. After Junsu and Changmin had left, Yoochun finally came out of the room he was sharing with Jaejoong carrying a small overnight bag and clad in sweatpants, a baggy sweater, sandals and a baseball cap. By that time, I was sitting on the couch, watching highlights from the awards show on some entertainment channel as I felt Yoochun sit next to me.

            “What are you guys—” Yoochun paused, thinking about what he was saying before shaking his head and chuckling. “Nevermind. I don’t want to know.” I only laughed in response since he started talking again. “So, when are you going to tell the others?”

            I sighed heavily, the laughter fading as quickly as it came. “I don’t know. I keep thinking, ‘Tomorrow. I’ll tell them tomorrow.’ But then tomorrow comes and I get scared all over again. I still can’t believe I told you; I thought I was going to have a heart attack in that bathroom.” 

            “I think it’s important you get it out,” Yoochun smiled, resting his hand on my knee and squeezing it. “I don’t want you to carry that kind of secret with you anymore…at least not around us. For so long, you’ve had no one to turn to and I just want us to be the people you can always count on to be yourself.”

            “You’re going to make me cry,” I mumbled, smiling and swallowing hard so that I really wouldn’t cry. “You guys are my best friends. I can only pray that Junsu and Changmin take it as well as you did.”

            “I don’t see why they wouldn’t.”

            “You’d be surprised.” I gave him a lopsided smile. “Thank you.” We both brought our hands up at the same time, hooking thumbs and our palms slapping together as we pulled each other close for a tight hug.

            “I’d better get going. It’s getting late and I’m sure you two want to enjoy this rare alone time together.”  I nodded and he stood up, pat me on the shoulder, shouted a, “See ya!” to Jaejoong and then he was gone. I spread my arms against the frame of the couch, leaned my head back and closed my eyes, enjoying the silence that rarely fell over the apartment unless we weren’t there. After about five minutes, I felt Jaejoong’s eyes on me, absorbing me as let every worry melt off of me. I cracked open an eye and beckoned him over to the couch. Instead, he straddled my lap between his legs and pressed his chest against mine.

            “Ai yah, Jaejoong-ah,” I sighed, looking up at the beautiful man staring down at me. I let my hands run up and down his thighs, pausing only to give a firm squeeze before rubbing them again. He only grinned, pressing his forehead against mine for a brief moment before pressing his lips against it instead. “What am I going to do with you?”

            “That’s a loaded question, Yunho. What are you going to do? We have the place to ourselves for the night.” His lips started to trail down my cheek and were now ghosting over my lips. I could feel the blood rush to my groin as he grinded his own growing erection against me. My mind was slowly beginning to lose focus like it has been whenever I was around Jaejoong. I instinctively began to slide my hands up his black jacket and shimmer-y tank top that was underneath it. He sighed against my lips, his back arching slightly as my hands connected with his unbelievably soft body. His hands slid up the fur that was wrapped around my neck before I felt his fingertips slide through my hair, caressing and slightly pulling, knowing that it turned me on to no end when he tugged at my hair.

            “So why did you want me to leave my clothes on?” I managed to moan out, bringing my hands around to his abs and sliding them up his chest to pinch his un-pierced nipple and flick his pierced one. He groaned loudly and bit down on his lower lip to silence himself, but I knew his body better than that by now—I just continued to tease him until he finally stopped holding back his moans. Remembering that I had asked him a question, he suddenly leaned forward and dragged the tip of his tongue up my neck until his lips were against my ear again.

            “I wanted to undress you myself. I hope that’s why you made me keep my clothes on as well.” Jaejoong murmured as he began to untie and unbutton the jacket resting underneath the fur piece that was on top of it.

            “Of course.” I grinned and removed my hands from underneath this shirt and helped slide his jacket off over his shoulders and onto the nearby armchair. I then lifted his shirt up over his head and tossed it aside to some unknown location prior to letting my hands and lips roam his body. He was beginning to unbutton the black shirt underneath the jacket when I suddenly felt him moan loudly, with much thanks to my teeth that were grazing his pierced nipple.

            “Yunho,” He groaned, his hands faltering for a moment before rapidly returning to their mission. “Let’s do something different tonight.” He breathed heavily, grinding his erection roughly against mine now. “I want to feel you… and I want you to feel me.”

            “Let’s wait, Jae. Just a little longer.” I was making my way up to his neck, trying anything to distract him from the thought of us having sex. He moaned but this one was shaded with a small hint of disappointment.

            “Yunho, it’s a perfect opportunity. No one is here; we have the place to ourselves. What more do you want?”

            I didn’t even wait half a beat before I blurted out the words had been trying to hold in for two months.

            “I want to know you’re mine.” After I understood what I had just blurted out, I had every intention of pulling away from him to see his reaction, but I just couldn’t resist Jaejoong’s perfect body. I allowed my hands to circle his incredibly thin waist and slip my thumbs behind his waistbands. At this point, he finally got my shirt fully unbuttoned and was exploring my chest and stomach while he looked down at me with an angelic smile on his face.

            “I thought I was?”

            “I don’t recall getting that memo from you,” I chuckled while he laughed a bit louder. His laugh was so intoxicating and hypnotizing that I almost lost my train of thought…again. “I’m serious, Jaejoong.”                    

            “So am I! You know, usually actions are supposed to speak louder than words, but I guess that’s not the case for you, is it?”

            “I enjoy verbal confirmation. I could take writing too, if you prefer.” I grinned while I slid my thumb over the fabric that was barely holding the button on Jaejoong’s pants captive. I was about to release it when I suddenly felt his hot hands hold on to mine tightly.

            “Well then, just to make sure I’m giving you the correct confirmation, why don’t you try asking the question again?”

            My heart skipped a beat as I turned my hands up so that our palms were connected; I looked up into his eyes and felt my breath hitch in my throat as I inhaled. His eyes, which were previously veiled with lust and pure sexual energy, were now completely soft, honest, and void of any emotional barriers. I sat up a little taller, grabbing his hips only to make sure he didn’t slide off before taking his hands in mine again.

            “Will you be my boyfriend, Jaejoong?”

            “Absolutely, Yunho.” He didn’t hesitate. He didn’t ask to think about it and he didn’t say he wasn’t sure. It was a straight answer and most importantly, the one I’d been longing to hear and my heart was beating so hard and fast that I could swear it was going to explode from pure happiness.

            “Why didn’t you just tell me this earlier?” I brought a hand up, cupping his cheek as I slid my thumb across his pillow-y lips.

            “I just assumed you knew.” He trailed off, kissing my thumb.

            “Never assume,” I managed to breathe out when he started swirling his tongue around the tip of my thumb. I stifled a groan long enough to speak again. “You know, this officially makes you my first boyfriend.”

            “Ditto.” He took my thumb into his mouth completely now, sucking on it hard as lust slowly started to seep back into his eyes.

            “I think there’s another first I want you to be.”

            If Jaejoong was trying to say something back when he opened his mouth wider, it was now an afterthought; in one swift motion, I pulled my thumb out of his mouth and crushed my lips against his, causing a whimper to escape the man on top of me as he eagerly returned the rough kiss. My arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him tighter while I started grinding my now completely hard dick against him, causing him to rub his ass against it in return. I groaned, his lips pulling away from mine and as he began to suck and lick on the most sensitive parts of my neck, I finally pulled the button on his pants free and practically pulled the zipper clean off. His pants were now loose enough for me to slide my hand down them and his underwear, which I did swiftly, not wanting to waste any of the precious time we had together that night. My hands found his ass, squeezing and pulling his cheeks roughly and then soft. I let my finger slip between his ass, circling his puckered entrance for the first time. He whimpered softly as I felt his body shake slightly. I moaned, my voice incredibly deep and raspy as I felt Jaejoong’s lips bite on my neck gently while he pinched my nipples.

            “Hold on to my neck.” I licked his ear and nibbled on his lobe until I felt his arms lock safely around my neck. I placed my hands underneath his ass and lifted him up as I stood up. Congratulating myself on consistently working out and lifting weights, I felt a surge of confidence when Jaejoong moaned loudly.

            “Fuck, that’s sexy, Leader-ssi,” He licked my lips as I kicked the door open to the room I was sharing with Junsu and Changmin, walked in and kicked the door closed behind me. I set him down on the bed and hooked my fingers behind his waistbands and pulled off his underwear and pants in one swift movement. He moaned in approval before standing up, pushing my coat and shirt off my shoulders and onto the floor.

            “What about the fur?” I asked as he started working on unbuttoning my pants. I untied the bottom so that the ends were now hanging loose.

            “Leave that on; it looks too good on you especially now that you’re naked.” He licked his lips and looked down, confirming that we were both now completely naked. I was about to lay him on the bed, but he grabbed my hand and moved in front of me and pushed me down onto the bed instead. I couldn’t help but grin at this turn of events as I watched my deliciously gorgeous boyfriend climb on top of me. “Yunho-ah, why don’t you let me be the leader for right now?”

            Sheer curiosity fueled my voice as I heard myself groan and say, “That sounds good to me.” I watched him slink up my body before he finally kissed me deep and hard, our hands flying to every part of each other’s bodies in excitement and need. His kiss was incredible as I felt his hands roam down to my dick, fingering the tip that was now dripping with pre-cum. He slid his finger length-wise against my erection, coating his finger in the pre-cum. He then pulled away, stopping to lick and bite my nipples only momentarily before continuing his path down to my very hard cock. What I felt next could really only be described as indescribable. As he took me in his mouth, he pushed the tip of his slick finger against my opening, catching me completely off guard as he managed to get half of his finger in before my hole tightened completely around him. Jaejoong moaned against my dick, urging me to relax as he began sliding those luscious lips against my cock, up and down while swirling his tongue around it. My mind began to spin with pure pleasure as I felt his other hand come up to pump my erection while his tongue played with the tip and his finger was pushing deeper inside me. When he got to the base of his finger he pulled out, leaving barely the tip in until he pushed his finger in again, straight to the base.

            I never knew something like this could feel so incredible. I just threw my head back, relishing in the things that I only dreamed and prayed Jaejoong would do to me. My breathing became shallower as I felt another finger press against my hole. I don’t even know how I did it, but my arm reached out to the nightstand next to me, opened it and grabbed the bottle of lube that I kept hidden in the corner of the drawer. I tossed it on the bed next to me and before I could say anything, the cold substance was already on my dick and my entrance. He was jacking me off so well, so hard, so perfectly; He knew already how to make me come to just the edge of climax and then right back down and that’s exactly what he was doing now.

            “Jaejoong-ah…oh fuck…” I moaned while my hands slammed down onto the bed and held on to the bed sheets with a white-hot grip that I didn’t even know I possessed.

            “Yunho, you look amazing like this. I wish you could see yourself.” Jaejoong let a moan escape him as he now slid two fingers inside me, stretching me and preparing me. His fingers, although they felt incredibly strange at first, now felt fucking amazing. He slammed his fingers deep inside me, wiggling them around for just a second before sliding them out and then repeating the process. At this point, I couldn’t think anymore. I could only feel; feel Jaejoong’s slick hand and mouth pleasure my insanely hard cock as he made his slick, long, delicate fingers ram deep inside me. And just when I thought I couldn’t feel any better, I did. He slammed his fingers inside me and then I felt him brush against a spot so deep inside me and when he did, my mind forgot every good feeling I had prior to that and replaced it with sheer ecstasy.

            Jaejoong!” I screamed and he moaned too, but it was lost to the uncontrollable groans and moans that were flooding out of my mouth. I suddenly felt Jaejoong’s hands leave my body. I didn’t know what he was doing and I didn’t want to move to see because the soft aftershocks of him rubbing hitting that spot were still resonating inside me. It didn’t take long for me to feel Jaejoong’s hands on me again. I felt him place something thick against my opening as he then grabbed my thighs only to position me.

            “Do you want to feel me?” He asked while his hand began to pump my erection again. I could only moan, but I knew it wasn’t good enough for him, at least not right now, so I mustered up the breath and looked at him, my eyelids half closed.

            “Yes. Jaejoong please.” He didn’t need any more words of encouragement. With one swift movement, he was inside me. It was tight, it was different, but it definitely didn’t feel bad. “Go, Jaejoong. Go please.” I pleaded and was rewarded with Jaejoong rocking back and forth within me. As he pushed himself deep inside me, I felt him hit that spot again and I moaned so loud that I didn’t even care who heard it, if someone happened to be listening. Jaejoong was pumping me slowly now as he began to speed up, the feel of his dick dragging back and forth against my entrance felt so amazing that I knew I was going to cum soon. Very soon. It had been so long since I had felt this sort of pleasure from sex that I completely forgot what it felt like to even have sex. I looked up at Jaejoong, his eyes watching me with desire and…something else. I didn’t quite know what it was. “Jaejoong-ah, I’m seriously…so…close.”

            “Oh my God, Yunho, you’re so tight… I feel it…oh my God…” Jaejoong moaned as I felt his fingers wrap tightly around the base of my dick and squeeze tightly.

            “Jaejoong! Ah, Jaejoong!” I moaned and tried desperately to move my dick away from him for some kind of friction, but he kept a firm grip on it, causing more pre-cum to seep out of the tip as his thrusting became harder and faster, hitting the spot inside me with every thrust.

            Yunho! Oh my God! Yunho-ah!” He moaned so loud as I felt him release inside me. I watched him throw his head back and moan, his body glistening with a small coat of sweat. I wanted to feel that release so badly. When he finally finished and pulled out, I noticed he was still half hard. He grabbed the fur that was wrapped around my neck and pulled me up. “Yunho, fuck me. Please. I want to feel you like you felt me. Make me feel how I made you feel.”

            I sat up on the bed, my dick aching to be relieved as I made Jaejoong straddle my hips again like he had on the couch in the living room. I snatched the lube, coating my fingers while I pulled him down, making his ass stick out a little, before capturing his lips, licking his tongue and kissing him with so much need and want that it made both of us breathless. Jaejoong’s back arched when I slipped in a finger, giving him a little bit of time to adjust before slipping in the second finger and promptly stretching him out. It didn’t take long for him to start bucking his hips back impatiently.

            “Fuck, Jaejoong. I want you so bad,” I growled against his neck as I moved his ass above my dick, positioning it with his tight entrance. He reached out behind me, grabbing the headboard of the bed for support as he lowered himself onto my cock.

            This was a completely different feeling of pleasure and it washed over me in waves. As I moved my hips down, his tight hole squeezed my cock, sending shockwaves up and down my body and as I moved my hips up into him, the heat shrouded me and made me feel as if I was going to burst at any moment with any kind of movement.

            “Jaejoong, ah…you feel so good…” I moaned, wrapping one arm around his waist and propping myself up with my elbow as I began to quickly pick up the pace. He was breathtaking; the light that was seeping through the window reflected brilliantly off his sweat coated body, his eyes were fluttering behind closed eyelids, his hair was slightly damp and messy, his arms were flexed completely thanks to him gripping the headboard behind me firmly and his dick was bouncing against my stomach as he rocked his hips back and forth, taking my cock deeper inside him until I, too, found that spot inside him.

            Leader-ssi!!!” He cried, rocking his hips faster as his back arched. He looked down at me, his eyes half-lidded and possessed with pleasure. Quickly realizing that I was close to climax, I wrapped my hand around his now hard dick and began to pump as fast as I could; I wanted us to come together.


            “Ah, Jaejoong! Oh fuck, Jaejoong-ah!!

            “Come with me, Yunho,” Jaejoong’s breath was ragged, hoarse and thick. “Yunho-ah…now…now!

            Jaejoong!! S-sa…ra...

            I couldn’t speak anymore. I could only scream with insurmountable pleasure as I moved my arm that was holding me up to squeeze Jaejoong’s thigh again as I milked his second orgasm out of him. Pressure surrounded my head as pressure left my cock. When I opened my eyes, I was dizzy, only able to see stars flying past my line of sight wherever I looked. My chest was heaving and so was his. His mouth was on my chest and I noticed his breath feet like fire against my body. I brought a shaky arm up to wrap around his thin, but masculine, body. I couldn’t speak for Jaejoong, but my mind was whirling as soon as I stopped being dizzy. I was thinking about everything that just happened and how fucking amazing, and scary, it all was.

            “Jaejoong-ah,” they were the first words to be spoken in almost a half an hour. I didn’t mind though. I enjoyed hearing Jaejoong’s soft breathing and his fingertips gently writing nonsense on my chest. I’d only laugh when I knew what he was writing and he’d laugh too, but no words were said until now.

            “Yes?” He whispered, probably afraid to break the comfortable silence like I was. I smiled and looked down at the man who was already looking up at me.

            Saranghae,” I whispered. His eyes softened even more than they already were but I could see that behind the softness, he was trying to figure out what to say back. “You don’t have to say it back to me. I just want you to know.”

            He laid his head back down on my chest and wrote something on it. I couldn’t tell what it was this time, but I hoped it was, “me too.”

            We made love throughout the night repeatedly and finally fell asleep when sunlight was creeping up over the horizon. The sleep was so deep and so peaceful, that I didn’t hear the alarm that I had set on my phone the night before. I didn’t hear Jaejoong’s phone ring over ten times and mine ring about the same amount. I didn’t hear the keys jingling at the front door, nor did I hear the front door open. I didn’t hear the three cheery voices that stepped into the apartment at around one o’clock in the afternoon. I didn’t hear voices asking each other why our clothes were scattered throughout the living room. I didn’t hear Yoochun trying to convince Junsu and Changmin to go out for lunch without Jaejoong and myself. And definitely I didn’t hear the bedroom door open.

            No, the first thing I heard the morning after the most amazing night of my life was a deep booming voice screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

            When I opened my eyes, they connected with Jaejoong’s eyes filled with fear and uncertainty, much like mine probably were except worse. We both turned our heads quickly to see Changmin’s jaw dropped wide open, his bag at his feet, Junsu right beside him, with his palm pressed tightly against his own open mouth and beyond them was Yoochun, his hands covering his face in defeat. I looked down and thankfully the blanket was covering us below the waist, but that didn’t explain the pants and underwear that were strewn about the room and the image of Jaejoong and I holding each other, naked, that Changmin walked in to. Time stopped for about five seconds, all of us staring at each other for someone to talk first and then instantly everyone began to speak.

            “J-Jaejoong? Yunho? Oh…Oh Lord…” Junsu breathed through his hand while the color drained from his face. 

            “Changmin, it’s probably not what we think,” Yoochun spoke quickly, hurling himself towards the door and grabbing his hand to pull him away. Changmin snatched his arm away from Yoochun’s grip, his eyes as wide as saucers.

            Not what we think? Are we seeing the same fucking picture here, Yoochun? Because I see Yunho and Jaejoong naked in bed! Please, pray tell, if it’s not what I think it is,” He turned to us, his stare void of any kind of level-headedness, logic and compassion. “THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!

            “Could you at least let us get dressed?” My voice was surprisingly calm as I felt Jaejoong’s hand start to rub my back very gently. Changmin stared for a moment longer before he grabbed the door handle and slammed the door shut with a strength I didn’t know he had. The living room was quiet and I turned to look at Jaejoong. I hugged him tightly and was relieved to feel him return the embrace with more strength. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t hear the alarm.”

            “It’s not your fault, Yunho. Listen, though,” He pulled away, cupping my face between his hands and looking me in the eyes. “No bullshit now. There’s no more hiding. It’s time to tell them.” I nodded and grabbed his face, kissing him deeply and confidently. We got up and I tossed him some of my sweatpants and a sweater, knowing that all his clothes were in his room that was across the living room. He smiled and slipped them on as I pulled on sweats and a tank top. We stood at the closed door and I felt Jaejoong grab my hand, squeezing it gently.

            “Do you think it might be a bit much for them to take in if we walk out like this?” I asked, lifting our entwined fingers up to eye level. Jaejoong just stared at me and for the first time, I felt his confidence grow more than I had ever seen it before. It’s like something had clicked inside of him and I think I witnessed the moment when Jaejoong finally decided to stop running from himself—from what he felt. He squeezed my hand tighter.

            “I’m not letting you go.”


I kissed him one more time before I opened the door and stepped out of the room. Jaejoong’s body was close to mine and he was squeezing my hand so tight that I could feel his heart beat pumping through his hand. Junsu and Changmin’s eyes darted immediately to our hands as we sat down on the couch. Yoochun was sitting on the armchair with Jaejoong’s jacket draped over the back of it, Junsu was sitting on the other armchair to Jaejoong’s left and Changmin was just pacing in front of the couch we were sitting on. I cleared my throat, not because I wanted to get anyone’s attention, but because my throat was severely dry. However, the action caused Changmin to stop dead in his tracks and turn towards us.

“Would you like to say something now? I’m sure we’re all waiting for an explanation.” He snapped, his voice cold and accusing. It was something I wasn’t used to, especially coming out of Changmin.

“Changmin, there is something I’ve been hiding from you. From all of you,” My tongue darted out to moisten my lips, but it didn’t help considering my whole mouth was completely dehydrated. I silently prayed to God, to any god, really, that this would all turn out for the best. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be that easy though. “Changmin, Junsu, Yoochun, I’m gay.”

Yoochun looked down, obviously not surprised since he already knew. I looked over at Junsu who looked like he was about to cry and Changmin just stood there, his eyes darting back and forth between Jaejoong and I. The room was quiet but the air was thick with tension. It was as if a dark cloud was looming above us, waiting for anything to ignite the thunderstorm that was brewing in that room.

“Jaejoong,” Junsu spoke first. “You’re…gay, too?”

I looked at Jaejoong, curious as hell as to how he was going to handle this. He sat confidently, his back straight, shoulders pushed back and eyes firmly locked with Junsu’s.

“I am.” He spoke softly. “As of last night, Yunho and I started dating.”

As I scanned the room for a reaction, I caught Yoochun’s gaze. He gave me a small, genuine smile as he heard the news and it was the only smile that existed in the room at the moment.

“Listen, I…I know this is so much to take in right now, and you really didn’t find out the way I had hoped you would but I’m telling you guys this because I need somewhere to go where I don’t have to lie to myself and to others. I want to be around people that know everything there is to know about me without judging me. I’m so tired; tired of carrying this secret around, tired at smiling into the faces of women who so blatantly hit on me, tired of pretending I love women and I’m especially tired of keeping up the charade around you guys. You’re my home away from home and when I’m at home, I just want to be free and I can’t. But I want to now, which is why I’m admitting this to you.” I stood up, walking up to Changmin. I was about to place my hand on his shoulder when I saw him instinctively move his shoulder away from me, as if I was going to infect him with this ‘gay disease’. “I’m still the same person.”

“Are you?” Changmin finally spoke, his eyes staring at me so sharp that I’d swear he was ripping my soul apart. “You say you’ve been carrying this secret around with you for so long. What other secrets do you have? You two are both morally wrong. This is not a natural feeling. I don’t know why you two can’t see that.” He walked away from me, hands in his pockets as he paced the area in front of the huge window. “You’re two men. You two need help. This isn’t a natural thing to feel.”

“Falling in love isn’t a natural thing to feel?” I spoke up, trying not to let the lump in my stomach bother me.

“Falling in love with someone of the same sex isn’t natural. You guys, this is just a really bad hormone imbalance. We can get you proper medication and—”

“I don’t want a cure, not like there is one,” I was starting to feel a bit angry and hurt with Changmin’s attitude. “I just want your acceptance and support.”

“How can I support you on something I think is wrong? You’re asking me to change my views for you, Yunho and I can’t do that. I won’t and I’m sorry,” He shook his head and turned his back to Jaejoong and myself.

“You’d really let them live this?” Yoochun stood up, walking towards Changmin. “How could you act like that to them? They’re like family. What would you do if your sisters—”

“Yoochun,” Changmin spoke through clenched teeth. “Don’t fucking dare bring my sisters into this.”

“I’m just saying, what if they were? Wouldn’t you accept them?” Yoochun pushed and by the way his voice was rising, I could tell he was just dumbfounded at how Changmin was reacting. “They’re your family.”

“Not by blood, and thank god, or else I’d probably be gay too.”

And then I heard it. It was a sickening sound of skin against skin. It happened so fast that after I blinked, I saw Changmin holding his right cheek and Junsu’s arms wrapped around Yoochun, pushing him back down onto the armchair he was previously sitting on. Jaejoong jumped up, helping to restrain Yoochun.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, Shim Changmin! This is your fucking family and you’re turning your backs on them when they need you the most!” Yoochun was screaming as his eyes quickly became flooded with tears.

Fuck you, Yoochun! You just want me to change my ways at the drop of a hat?” Changmin screamed back, walking towards Yoochun. Jaejoong continued to restrain Yoochun as Junsu now stood up, softly pushing Changmin back to the other armchair. “You’re being selfish! You, Jaejoong and Yunho! You just want to come out and expect everything to be fucking butterflies and lollipops? Junsu, tell them! Tell them how you feel about this!” Changmin was screaming, pointing accusing fingers at everyone but Junsu.

“Everyone calm down, please.” I stood up despite the throbbing in my head that was rapidly increasing. This wasn’t how I wanted everything to happen. Not at all.

“Ignorant bastard,” Yoochun growled through his tears.

“Stop it, you two!” I raised my voice louder, the room was spinning and my heart was pounding in my ears.

“Selfish asshole,” Changmin shouted back.

“Shut the fuck up, both of you!” Junsu screamed, pushing the taller, younger man onto the armchair. The room was suddenly eerily quiet, other than the soft sobs coming from Yoochun. It was quiet for a couple of minutes, no one moved or said a thing. I was holding back my own tears, kicking myself for causing the tension in the room right now. If only… if only I wasn’t gay… no… I couldn’t think that way. It’s how I was and there was nothing I could do to change that.

“Yunho,” Junsu spoke quietly. “I have to admit that I suspected you to be gay since that day we went out to Itaewon, but I never suspected you, Jaejoong,” Junsu swallowed hard. “You know my religious views, Yunho. Homosexuality is not accepted in the bible. I can’t say that I agree with how you and Jaejoong are going to live your lives from now on but as a Christian, I do accept you and Jaejoong. I will continue to pray for both of you.” I smiled and walked towards Junsu and opened my arms, giving him a tight hug. “May God watch over your path, it won’t be an easy one.”

            “I know. Thank you, Junsu.” I smiled and let him go. I faced Changmin now who was nearly scowling on the armchair. His cheek was bright red, the faint outline of Yoochun’s fingers glowing on his pale skin. “Changmin, I—”

            “Do me a favor,” he stood up and grabbed his jacket. “Leave me alone.” He looked over at Yoochun, the both of them exchanging heated glares as he quickly stormed out the front door. We all looked at the door, but Junsu was the only one who moved, also grabbing his jacket and keys. Junsu looked back at the three of us, giving us a tight nod and a small smile before he opened the door and ran out, the door shutting behind him. We all heard a faint, ‘Changmin, wait!’ and then the sound of footsteps gradually faded.

            What the hell had just happened? What did I do? What did we do? I was hoping for the best and preparing for the worst but this was just disastrous. My heart began to ache and my breathing sped up to a speed I wasn’t used to. I looked up at Jaejoong and Yoochun, whose faces were quickly blending together behind my blurry vision. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was going to fast. I couldn’t think about anything other than the scene that just played out in front of my eyes. What’s going to happen now? Will Changmin ever change his mind, or was it just a selfish wish?

            I felt my body fall, my knees hitting the carpet and my hands curling up into tight fists. I felt arms around me and soft voices comforting me as I cried the hardest I’ve ever cried in my life.


THANK YOU for everyone being so patient!!! I know I'm failing really bad at updating, but please believe that I am doing my best!!!! This part is EXTREMELY long!!! Nearly 10 pages in MS Word! I was going to split it up, but I figured a long chapter should make up for my lack of update!!! T_______T <3 <3

Apr. 14th, 2010


...Love... - Part 6


-Two weeks later-

-3:50 AM-


            Looking out at the view from the balcony, I felt as alive as the city surrounding me. Even from the top floor of the hotel, the lights, sounds and smells of Tokyo were so vibrant and clear that it felt like I was actually down in the streets in the midst of it all—a feeling that I’ve grown to miss terribly over the years. Dreams always come at a cost, and this particular dream cost me privacy and freedom. To go out into that concrete jungle alone and unguarded could be completely unsafe, and I’m not just saying that to sound like some famous, egotistical douche bag; I’m saying it because it’s true. Heavens knows how badly I’d love to walk around Tokyo by myself, visiting the different areas, side streets, shops, restaurants and stores by myself. There have been so many areas of Japan that I haven’t gotten to visit because it would be “unsavory to our image”. For example, I’ve always wanted to explore Kabukicho. I hear it was Japan’s red-light district, marked by the infamous red gates at the crosswalk and accented with the neon red archway at night, but when I had looked at it during the day it looked so timid. Littered with arcades, a McDonalds, a movie theater and other random stores, it really didn’t seem like anything provocative…that is until we passed by it at night. It was a different crowd, bars, or izakayas, were open, guards were standing by closed doors that were marked with signs screaming “No Foreigners Allowed”. It was so alluring! The mystery and adventure of it all! And that was only Kabukicho! Who knew what other worlds there were in Osaka, Nagoya or Kyoto.

            But I suppose not all adventures are ones worth going on. I vividly remember a time, before Dong Bang Shin Ki’s debut where we were all trying to get familiar with Japan since we would be doing some heavy promoting there, after we had established ourselves in Korea, and we were to get to know our surroundings. We all took the trains, since no one really recognized us at the time, and we all took turns calling out a stop to get out at. Well, Junsu called out “next” at this one stop called Shinjuku Ni-chōme and I was wondering why everyone was looking at us funny when Junsu called it out. I didn’t give it a second thought as I followed my brothers outside the train station and onto the bustling streets. It looked normal enough; some trendy shops, a Starbucks on the corner, a curry house on the next, tons of salary men and…

            …gay people.

            Shit you not. There were gay people. Gay people! And Lesbians! It was amazing because here they were, only a few couples but they were still out in the open, holding hands and kissing. And sure, I was used to friends kissing each other as good friends, but I never kissed my friends with tongue. I was mostly…amazed because there just weren’t any gay people in Korea; they just didn’t exist, and if they did, I was sure that they weren’t gay for long.

            I don’t believe that you are born to be a natural gay or lesbian. I believe that it’s more like a hormone imbalance. When a woman has too much testosterone, or a man too much estrogen, their feelings are altered by the imbalance, causing them to think irrationally or in a different way than what is normal. Not only does the chemical imbalance come into play, but also your surroundings. If you surround yourself with homosexual activity, the likelihood of you, yourself, becoming gay is very high, considering the fact that it’s all you really ‘know’ to be ‘normal’. Given this knowledge, I firmly believe that you can cure being gay or lesbian…it’s just that some choose not to and I don’t really understand why when being gay is such an unnatural part of life. It’s funny to joke around about, but when it comes down to actually being that way, I’d have to say that it’s not a joke anymore, especially in Asia--and especially if you’re famous.

            Anyway, as I was saying, Junsu led us to Homotown, Japan and we were all sort of looking at each other in fear, trying to figure out if we should stick around or not. Yunho was the one who piped up first, saying we should just walk around for a bit and maybe we could find some nice shops or some good food, since it was around lunch and I was about to shrivel up at how fucking hungry I was. I remember us all stepping forward tentatively, unsure if someone would recognize us and report it in the news or if we were about to get kidnapped and gang-raped by some gay mafia. It ended up not being so bad, despite the cloud rigid nervousness and tension that loomed over us as we walked around the area.

            Needless to say, we didn’t spend much time there. However, it would be about a year and a half later when Yunho and Yoochun went back to that very same neighborhood to fetch sweet little Junsu’s birthday gift: a t-shirt proudly displaying a print that read, “Sorry Girls, I’m Gay!”

            To this day, he still hasn’t lived it down. And it’s usually Yoochun and myself making sure that he remembers that day for the rest of his life. Oh, and that he’s got a gigantic ass, because it’s always fun to see him get flustered over that.

            “Changmin? What are you doing?” A sleepy voice grumbled behind me suddenly. I smiled and turned around to see the owner of the monumental ass I was just thinking of. I smiled wider, thinking about how strangely innocent he looked clad in a tank top, flannel sleeping pants and his eyeglasses with his hair sticking up in every direction.

            “Junsu-ah,” I smiled and waved my hand, signaling him to come closer. He paused at the door, slipped on a pair of slippers and then stood next to me. “I’m just enjoying the view.”

            “At almost four in the morning? We have a flight to catch tomorrow, remember? You should be sleeping.” He shivered when the breeze hit us unexpectedly and I watched him rub his hands over his bare arms before wrapping an arm around him.

            “Ah, I was just thinking about a few things,” He looked up at me with concern. “Nothing bad, I assure you. Just about our pre-debut days and the day we got lost in Japan.” He chuckled softly, pushing the bridge of his glasses up with his index finger before looking out at the city before us. “I’m sure you remember it—especially since you took us to gay-topia.”

            “I swear I didn’t mean it!” He squealed quietly, not wanting to wake the other members. I just laughed, squeezing his shoulder and holding him tighter. “You’re just mad that I almost discovered your secret of being gay.”

            “I think you’re confusing me with someone else. Besides, even if, and that’s a huge if, I was gay, I’d have been cured by now.”

            “Cured? What do you mean?”

            “There’s a cure for it. You just need to re-balance the hormones, that’s all.”

            “You really believe that, Changmin?” He seemed almost sad when he said it.

            “There’s a cure for everything, Junsu. Just that some take longer to find than others.” He stayed quiet for moment, thinking about something. It seemed that he had wanted protest what I said about gays being curable, but instead he looked up at me completely innocent.

            “You think there’s a cure for snarky brats?”

            “Sure. It’s called a kick in the ass.” Without missing a beat, he lifted his leg up behind him and, of course, kicked me in the ass, which earned him a couple of pinches on his sides and one on his own butt, just for good measure.

            “Man, what is it with you and my butt?”

            “What can I say? It’s probably the fattest ass in all of Asia.”

            “Asshole,” He laughed before giving me a swift, firm punch in the stomach. I laughed louder only because Junsu hardly cursed and it was quite amusing when he did. Junsu had grown up with a classy mother who never allowed ‘such language’ in the house. Even after being in DBSK for a while, he still wouldn’t curse and it was quite a rare occasion when he did. We stayed quiet again, captivated by the lights of the city once more.

            “I can’t believe we got nominated in Korea. It’s been so long that I didn’t think they’d welcome us back so fast.” I turned to Junsu who was already looking at me and smiling.

            “We’re lucky; we have such faithful, devoted fans. I’m sure they won’t let anyone forget about us. Even if we don’t win anything, the fact that we were nominated after being in Japan for so long is still amazing.”

            “I know. I guess I’m just being a little paranoid I guess.”

            “Well stop it. This is a good thing! You should be as happy as everyone else was when they heard the news!”

            “I know, I am! Sheesh!” I smiled and ruffled his hair. Junsu just laughed and reached up to mirror my action.

            “Come on, we’ve spent enough time out here. We should really be getting some sleep.” Junsu yawned loudly and walked towards the door to go inside…but not before giving me a firm, reassuring hug. It was exactly what I needed.

-Three days later-

-Mnet KM Music Festival Award Show-

-8:45 PM-

            I shivered violently in my seat and brought my hands up to my mouth, breathing hot air onto them and covering my very bare chest. At that moment, I had instantly regretted making fun Yoochun’s wardrobe. It was only a little over an hour ago that I called the black fur around his neck every horrific animal in the book that had black fur. However, at this moment, gaudy accessory was now looking pretty damn stylish…and warm. I didn’t want to but I looked to my right to see Yoochun looking at me with the cheesiest smile on his face as he nuzzled the black fur that was wrapped tightly around his neck.

            “So warm.” He cooed and chuckled quietly, stroking the fur and deliberately mocking me.

            “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, asshole.” I grumbled, folding my arms close to me tightly. I found it completely annoying and thoroughly unnecessary that the people working the venue we were in felt the need to blast the air conditioner. It wasn’t even hot outside! What were they thinking? Oh, silly me, they obviously weren’t. However, I was starting to believe that maybe it was only me who was cold because when I looked over at Junsu (who was sitting in the row in front of me), he was just looking at the stage with anticipation; listening to the nominees for some category we weren’t nominated in. I looked to my left to see Yunho whispering something to Jaejoong. Jaejoong grinned and whispered something back before biting his lip gently. They were always doing shit like that, though. Especially when I was right smack in the middle of it. It’s like they enjoyed tossing the gay vibe around me, knowing full well that it wasn’t something I was very comfortable with. But it was different tonight. Jaejoong had asked me to switch seats with him and I completely obliged and I was glad I did because I just hated to be caught in the middle of their teasing. After few more minutes, it was the moment I had been waiting for: Album of the Year. My throat tightened and my heartbeat slowed down so much I could barely breathe. I noticed that I kept clapping to myself like an idiot the entire time after I had tried to warm up my hands. I looked over to my left again and Jaejoong and Yunho weren’t teasing each other anymore; they were dead silent, staring at the stage like it was going to bite their heads off. To my right, Yoochun was just biting his lip and Junsu was fidgeting like he had to pee.

            And then I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. Oh my God, I was going to be sick.  I hadn’t been so nervous in so long and the urge to vomit was just increasing with every minute that went by. I think I seriously almost barfed when I suddenly heard “Mirotic” blasting through the speakers in the auditorium. I stood up, still clapping while Yunho slung an arm over me and gave me a small hug before scooting out of the aisle.

            Everything after that moment was a blur; I remember walking up to the podium where we received the award and I remember hearing Yunho’s voice booming throughout the venue. I don’t remember anything at all what was saying because I was so happy we won…


            …that I started crying. Like a baby. Like a newborn baby. I couldn’t believe I started crying, but I was so fucking happy that I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I felt that we were finally at the place that we had worked so hard to be. All our work and dedication finally paid off. I felt on top of world…unstoppable. It was an incredible feeling and the feeling of throwing up dissolved and was replaced with the strong urge to scream out in victory and complete happiness. I looked over to my right to see Jaejoong nodding towards me and Yoochun smiling, his eyes glazed over with tears that he was holding in surprisingly well, given how sensitive that guy is. He wrapped an arm around my waist and squeezed it before hugging me completely. Now I don’t remember much in those couple of minutes, but I’ll always remember the kind, comforting words he whispered in my ear as he hugged me:

            “Dude, you’re such a bitch,” said the man who cries rivers for hungry kittens.

            Once upon a time, I swore I’d never cry in front of our fans and now my fellow hyungs were now reminding me of that promise and how I had completely shattered it.

I wasn’t living this one down any time soon.


-11:07 PM-

            The award show was finally over… and we were being dragged to an after party with the record executives. I was personally exhausted, especially after crying and performing that very intense dance number, but the executives weren’t taking no for an answer. As we were leaving and saying our ‘good-byes’ and formalities to fellow artists, producers, managers and event coordinators, my eyes somehow found Yunho and Jaejoong whispering to each other in the corner. I had just finished thanking and congratulating the Wondergirls as I walked over to Junsu, my eyes still locked on Yunho and Jaejoong.

            “Look—you see what I see?” I pointed over to the corner to our two members whispering and smiling at each other. Jaejoong looked at Yunho with admiration as he leaned forward and put one hand on Yunho’s neck as he said something against his ear again. Yunho grabbed Jaejoong’s hand, kissed his palm and squeezed it tightly before walking back towards us with Jaejoong close behind.

            “Hey, you guys. Ready to go?” Yunho asked, smiling from ear to ear—literally.

            “Yeah. You guys done making out over there? You guys are so gay sometimes.”

             It was the first time that everyone remained quiet after one of my sarcastic remarks. Yunho’s smile faltered as he looked over at Yoochun. Yoochun looked at Jaejoong. Jaejoong just shot a confused look at Junsu. Junsu gave me a look like my head was replaced with a horse head. I looked around at them, my eyes narrowing and then I suddenly laughed.

            “It was a joke, you guys.” I grinned, a bit uncertain. A couple of beats later, everyone laughed and Yunho looked like he was about to pass out from laughing so much. It was seriously the strangest reaction I had ever gotten from them and as we were walking towards the awaiting limo, I suddenly had this weird feeling that I was missing out on something…

Thank you everyone for being so patient with me!!!!!! <3 <3 I hope you enjoy this part!! It's funny because this whole week I was trying to write this part right and then it just suddenly clicked today!!! Oooh, now that we knew the views for the remaining members, things should be getting interesting now, ne?!! 

Please enjoy!!!!!! ^___^ <3

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